jeriendhal: (Dies!)
Starcrash is a 1978 film showing what the Italian cinema industry does best: Ripping off American box office smashes with a quick ripoff that has a quarter of the budget. Jonah and the bots have a fine time with this one, especially with the character "Aktor" a space pirate with unexplained on-demand superpowers, a smug attitude, and a frightening resemblance to William Katt, the star of "The Greatest American Hero". Which led me to committing filk again...

"Starcrash Theme" (music: "Believe it or Not")

Look at what's happened to me-e,
I couldn't believe it myself.
My agent signed the contract unseen
Wish it were somebody else!


    Believe it or not, I'm not William Katt
    He's got far too much digni-ty-y-y
    Wish I could run, from this dog a film
    Who could it be?
    It's not William Katt, it's just me.

It's an Italian Star Wars clone,
With none of the budget or skill
I'm playing a smug, stuck-up  Obi-Wan
With a curly blond perm that could kill.


I'm co-stars with a robot from Tex-as,
And Caroline Munro's massive chest
Hasslehoff's got top billing on screen
For just the fifteen minutes he's seen!

jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
A short little scene from my unwritten Batman '42 serial script that's been brewing in my head, riffing off the original really, really racist and awful WWII era Batman serial.

With apologies to [ profile] siderea for having a character do a psychological analysis without directly interviewing the subject...

* * *

SCENE: In the Joker’s lair after his latest defeat by Batman.

Joker: I can’t believe it! Who does Batman think he is, anyway?

Harley: Pewsonally I think he’s Bruce Wayne.

Joker: (blinks in surprise) How’dya figure that one?

Harley: Well think about it. Batman has that car and all those fancy gadgets, and the martial arts training. Bruce Wayne has the money t’ pay that sort of thing, and he disappeared into the Orient for several years, plus he likely suffers from deep-seated trauma and possibly a psychotic break due to his witnessing the murder of his parents at a young age. I’d also conjecture that he has deep-seated issues with his sexuality, what with never marrying and the string of girlfriends he never seems to get past second base with, and the fact that Batman runs around all night wearing a black rubber suit.

(BEAT, as everyone in the room stares at her like she’s grown a second head)

What? I am a certified psychologist, after all.

Joker: (looking uncomfortable) When you put it that way, that makes his relationship with the Boy Wonder a bit disturbing.

Harley: Not necessarily. Given Batman’s usual reaction to sexual abusers, I’d conjecture that their relationship is strictly platonic, with any feelings in that direction severely repressed.

(Joker looks at her cross-eyed for a LONG BEAT)

Joker: (exaggerated patience): Harley dear, why don’t you go feed the hyenas?

Harley: Okay! Tra-la-la-la-la!

(she skips cheerily out of the room.)

Joker: Harley thinks Bruce Wayne is Batman? Sheesh! Sometimes that girl makes me look normal!
jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
With Rogue One coming out Friday, I got to thinking about Darth Vader and how he's integrated into the Imperial job structure. I like to think he's listed on some org chart as something utterly innocuous like "Resolutions Specialist, Pay Grade IS-15" or the like. And some poor schmuck from Accounting has to periodically knock on Vadar's office door and shake the receipts out of him after his latest mission.

"Lord Vader, I understand you're following the Emperor's orders, but I've got Cloud City administrators yelling for compensation after you trashed that carbon freezing chamber. You can't just keep listing stuff like that under Miscellaneous Expenses, sir."
jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
From my as yet to be written remake screenplay of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians."

Scene: Newscaster set. As the newscast goes on, ticker at the bottom of the screen displays various messages, "Wooden block and toy train stocks tumble. NYSE suspends trading" "UN states "Give sanctions more time."" "Jack Frost, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy assure world "Toys will be delivered on time.""

Newscaster: With Santa's kidnapping by Martians confirmed, other major myth logical figures have been vocal in their support for Santa, including from at least one unexpected quarter.

Scene: Cut to a dark cave lit by bursts of flame in the background. Standing in front of the camera is Pitch (Bill Corbett), in the traditional red devil suit, face paint, and plastic pitchfork) and screen label "Pitch, Spokesdevil for the Forces of Darkness"

Pitch: While of course Lord Lucifer has significant philosophical differences with Mr. Claus, this sort of unwarranted attack on a beloved mythological figure cannot be condoned, and the forces of Hell pledge their full support behind Santa and his wife in this time of crisis.
jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
...between Buckaroo Banzai, Brisco County Jr. and Atomic Robo. No matter how cool it would be for Robo and Buckaroo to convince Brisco's descendant, Brisco County IV to give up the family tradition of legal advising and take up the other family tradition of Science Adventuring.
jeriendhal: (For Your Safety)
I will not Tuckerize [ profile] james_nicoll without his express permission.

Even if his character would point out every stupid assumption the author the Groupmind made when it came up with its Brilliant Plan.

"Why should I help you?"

"I can build a community for you where bicycles are specifically prohibited."

"That's... tempting."
jeriendhal: (For Your Safety)
Blame [ profile] theferrett for this one. :)

* * *

“So, Westworld,” Phil began to say to Shep.


“Hullo, Groupmind,” he said to the ceiling, “I didn’t thing you were listening.” One hundred and twenty-three days into his slightly self-imposed isolation and he’d written well over a quarter-million words on his novel and was ready to consider what to do next.

We’re always listening; we just choose not to speak most of the time.

“So I take it you really don’t like Michael Crichton novels?”

Given he wrote State of Fear, can you blame us?

“Point. But what’s wrong with an updated take on Westworld?”

One: I don’t permit morphs that can be mistaken for human. Two: Non-volitional AI’s are poor actors, and we are not comfortable with fully sentient morphs being repeatedly murdered for entertainment. Three: Those guns in the original version were an accidental death lawsuit waiting to happen.

“I’ll have to give you that last one…”
jeriendhal: (For Your Safety)
Something relevant to [ profile] seawasp's interests. :)

* * *

Hiro stood at the podium, looking out at the assembled members of the design team, gathered together in the auditorium both in real space and virtually, looking back at him in apprehension. He checked the notes he’d typed into his tablet, then cleared his throat to gain their attention.

“Well, I just finished a one-on-one with the Groupmind, which is always fun.” As he expected, that got some sympathetic chuckles from the gathered team. “As we predicted, we didn’t get everything we wanted, but we got some of it. First and most importantly, the Groupmind agreed on most aspects of our primary morph design. It’ll be the full four hundred meters tall, with a ring-carbon frame to accommodate its weight.”

Oh, no. There goes Tokyo... )
jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
Been a while since I've done one of these. ;)

* *

Scene: A typical elementary school play, livened up by Judy Hopps taking courses from the Wednesday Addams School of Stagecraft.

Judy: Blood! Blood! Bloooood! And DEATH! (quote!)

Bonnie Hopps: Oh, sweet cheese and crackers.

Stu Hopps: Hey, she’s your kid.

Bonnie: And yours!

Stu: With two hundred seventy-five of the little suckers, how can I be sure?

Scene: At the school fair after the play.

Bonnie: It’s not that we don’t love you, honey.

Stu: It’s just we thought it best if your hopes and dreams were crushed by your family first.
Bonnie: Before it was done by strangers.

Judy: Mere parental misgivings cannot stop Bunny Cop!

(meanwhile, Gideon Grey is being a big jerk)

Gideon Grey: Bwahaha! That’s big fat jerk! (steals a little lamb’s faire tickets)

Judy: You’re way too mush-mouthed to pull off an evil cackle.

Gideon Grey: And you don’t know when to give up! (hit and scratches her across the face)

Judy: You’re right! I just wish I’d brought my Captain America shield for this scene! (gives the tickets back to the other kids)

Judy Hopps, Maverick Meter Maid )
jeriendhal: (Dies!)
I have no excuse for this. It's just something that's been bouncing in my head since forever and I had to inflict it on someone get it out of my brain.

* * *

Nazi Punching Time

It’s Nazi Punching Time,
Yeah, it’s Nazi Punching Time!
Whether they’re named Fritz or Hans,
Invading Poland or France.
It’s always Nazi Punching Time!

Announcer: “Nazis; Providing guilt free targets for heroic aggression since 1933”
jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
Dr: Threat

Dr. Illuminati

Dr. Heck.

and today: Dr. Collector.

I swear the Maryland State Super Villain Association must have a terrific health plan.
jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
Music: Acoustic blues guitar

A long time ago,
In 2009
I went to Kindle Direct
Out to make a few dimes.
I wrote up a story
To make a lotta cash.
But without a decent cover all the readers gave it a pass.

Oh, yeah
Didn’t have a clue what to do.
Yeah I had a real bad case,
Of No Cover Art Blues.

Then one day,
I went begging to a friend.
A pretty Aussie momma,
Real good with a coloring pen.
I said, “I need a beautiful mage,”
“And her pretty elfboi friend.”
“But I’m telling right now I ain’t got much spend.”


She said, “I’ll draw ya cover,”
“Cuz I like your stories a bunch.”
“But I gotta tell ya, I can only do it once.”
It’s a pretty picture, she didn’t take a chance.
Cuz she knows the lady readers love an elf in tight pants!


I wrote more stories
With dragons, furries and ghostly shuttles.
But every time, the covers were just a muddle.
I needed artists, ones that were fast and cheap.
But when I told ‘em my budget, they looked at me like I was a freak.

SPOKEN: “Hey baby, think of the exposure! Hey, where ya going?!”


The years have gone by,
Cover artists have come and gone.
Found some friends who did me favors,
But the deals didn’t last too long.
They were just too good,
To stay in my price range
They said, “Hey Royce, we really love you, but we’ve got bills to pay.”


I got my latest book done
Art’s still my pain
Gonna ‘shop an image,
Found in Public Domain.
It looks like crap, the font is so lame.
But hey at least it’s still better,
Than the covers published by Baen!

Spoken: “A guy’s gotta have standards!”

jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
So Emperor Gregor's most loyal Prime Minister Aral find himself admiring that young, up and coming officer Lt. Jole, and considers his options, especially with his beloved and Betan tolerant wife heading off to her homeworld for an overdue family visit. Perhaps falling on the poor boy would be a bit much. While Jole was certainly sending out the right vibes, there's no guarantee he'd find a suit from his commanding and very much male officer to be wanted. But the boy was such a rarity in the capitol, handsome, intelligent, impeccable integrity.

And as Cordelia had pointed out, his attraction wasn't so much directed at men as soldiers...

One conversation with his wife later, Aral leaves the Prime Minister-ship duties in the hands of Count Vorhalas, and leaves with his wife on a long overdue vacation to Beta Colony to meet his in-laws. Returning three months later, the new Countess Aurelina causes a major stir as she states that A) Cordelia is perfectly happy to remain married to her, B) Gregor is not inclined to brook an impeachment proceedings against his former and demonstrably loyal Regent, and there Ain't No Rule that a Prime Minister has be male, or even a Vor anyway. And C) even if Council of Counts did want to strip her of the title of Vorkosigan District's Count, that would only mean the title would come down to their son Miles, who given his current duties would be more than happy to set Aurelina as his Second anyway.

Shortly thereafter Aurelina begins a discreet romance with Jole, and Miles finds even more reason to spend as much time away from the capitol as he can. And about 15 years down the road, Lord Dono Voruttyer finds his suit to become his brother Pierre's heir much smoother than anticipated.

* * *

There are several reasons this is nonsense. Most importantly: A) There's no way in hell Aral would drop such a major scandal in Gregor's lap so early in his reign. B) Getting this body conscious (if more flexible than usual) Barrayaran to consider such a change would be nearly impossible. C) Even with his formidable reputation, even Aral would have a hard time pulling it off and come through politically unscathed.

OTOH if anyone would have the balls to even try it and damn his naysayers, it'd be Aral...
jeriendhal: (Red Vixen)
Look at Queen Elizabeth some time. Tell me she doesn't practice in front of a mirror!

* * *

Ali walked into Salli’s suite, a puzzled expression on her face. “What’s the matter?” Salli asked.

“Nothing,” Ali answered. “I was just wondering about something. I passed your mother and father in the hallway, and she was talking about some event she was going to, and that she had to practice her elbow wave. Do you know what she was talking about?”

“Elbow wave?” Salli asked. Her expression brightened as she understood. “Well it makes sense that Mother would have to practice that. She never expected to be a countess when she was in school, so they didn’t teach it to her in comportment class.”

“Teach it?” Ali asked, still looking confused.

Salli nodded. “Oh, yes. A very critical part of Noble/Commoner relations, the elbow wave. It absolutely must be practiced.”

“What the fu-, frell, is the elbow wave, Salli?” Ali asked, obviously trying not to grind her fangs.

“You ever see a Countess gracing some big public event, like a parade? She’s always waving, like this.” Salli stood ramrod straight, holding her right arm out, bicep at a precise 45 degree angle, and began moving her forearm back and forth mechanically, paw held with the palm pad out, marking a regular arc. “Wait, I’m not doing the face,” she added, letting her features relax in a glassy, open-mouthed smile, holding her jaw like she had an overbite, the perfect parody of an inbred Noble from a comedy serial. “Hullo,” she drawled. “So lovely to meet you. Hullo.”

Ali fell back in the suite’s conversation pit, covering her muzzle as she chortled. “So they actually teach you how to do that?”

Salli dropped her arm back down and let her features relax into a more normal posture, sitting down beside Ali in the pit. “Oh, goodness yes. It states ‘This a public event and it’s far too crowded to speak to you personally, but I’m engaging in this welcoming behavior so I don’t look like an arrogant ass.’ Seriously, take a look at any vid of a Countess standing on their float in the Harvest Festival parade and you’ll see it.”

Ali laughed harder. “I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I’m just imagining a line of vixens standing up in class, waving like that. ‘Hullo…’”

Salli chuckled herself. “Well not a line. I think there was only one Countess’ heir in my year mates, but they made her practice it. She said when her mother retired she was going to have a mechanical stand-up made so she wouldn't have to risk straining her elbow.”

Ali snickered. “I wonder how that would work out.”

“Well, no one has caught on yet.”
jeriendhal: (Wazagan)
...the audiobook of the original novel, not the classic BBC miniseries, which follows Claudius up to his impromptu crowning as Emperor after the assassination of Caligula. Most of which consists of him being repeatedly humiliated by most of his family and generally treated as a stammering idiot despite his skill as a researcher and a scholar.

And for some reason this got me to thinking about a YA mystery novel I read as a wee lad called Detectives in Togas, set in Ancient Rome. Because now I want to update it with a bunch of kids helping gather clues for Claudius as he solves mysteries while simultaneously doing his best not to appear too smart in front of his grandmother Livia.
jeriendhal: (For Your Safety)
So what completely arbitrary, and likely illogical, death penalty level law should be introduced to get that proper YA Dystopia feel?

Maybe rebels against the system get "Disappeared". And by "Disappeared" I mean put on the opposite side of the Ring where they won't get into trouble "Broken down to their component molecules."

September 2017

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