Titles: Please to be enjoying the Heroic Peoples' Science Fiction Film

We see Our Hero, Kris Kelvin, walk silently through the woods for ten minutes. (though that may have been becuase a flaw in the DVD)

Kris's Dad: We've got company.

Old Pilot Guy: And I brought home movies!

Kris: Kill me now...

They watch about ten minutes of exposition in glorious black & white.

Young Pilot Guy: So like, I was flying over Solaris when I saw this giant creature made out of sand who looked like my friend's kid rise up out of the ocean...

Science Guy: Dude, lay off the weed. Most of us just use vodka if we want to get bombed.

Kris: Aaaaaand?

Kris' Dad: Even though that happened twenty years ago we're just getting around to investigating it. Pop over and see what happened.

Kris: 'kay

We see five or ten minutes of Old Pilot Guy and his kid driving through early 70's Tokyo Future Russia, mostly to prove that the director actually had a good reason to beg to film there.

Kris: I think I'll burn all my papers before I leave.

Kris' Dad: Any reason?

Kris: Nah, we don't do character motivation in this film.

Kris travels to a space station above Solaris, with only three two people onboard. It's pretty much a wreck.

Kris: What's shakin'? You seen my buddy Gabby?

Snaut: Nothing, absolutely nothing is happening. Gabby killed himself though.

Kris: He'd never do that!

Snaut: The director forced him to read the script.

Kris: Oh, well that makes sense then.

Kris goes to sleep, then wakes up to find his dead wife in his room with him.

Kris: Hi.

Hari: Hi

Kris: Hi

Hari: Hi

Stuffs her into a rocket and launches her into space, unfortunately forgetting to leave the launch chamber first.

Kris: Ow.

Sartorius: Dumb move, dude.

Kris: Y'know why my wife showed up?

Sartorius: Yeah, try to ignore when that happens, otherwise they end up sticking around.

Hari shows up again. She walks through a door and hurts herself. She and Kris screw. She commits suicide by drinking liquid oxygen but gets better. They all attend Snaut's birthday party, which Snaut shows up to late and drunk.

Sartorius: Hari isn't real.

Kris: I know, but I love her anyway.

Hari: I'm getting realer.

Snaut: Hiccup!

Everyone philsophizes for at least a half hour. Kris catches a fever and walks through the station in his underwear (and believe me, the actor playing him is no Gerge Clooney). Then he somehow hallucinates his way down to the planet and ends up on an island that looks like his father's home that's sitting in a big ocean of oatmeal.

The End

Audience: WTF?

Film Critics: It's very deep.

Audience: It was two hours and forty minutes long! The Twilight Zone could have wrapped it up in less than a half-hour!

Film Critics: Shaddup!