jeriendhal | Celebrity Deathmatch, Terinu, the Final Insult

Commercial Break: This Fall watch a half-dozen middle class teenagers hang out in a shared apartment and get on each other’s nerves.

Nick: Welcome back to round two of Celebrity Deathmatch!

Replay of Leeza groin kicking the Admiral, and then getting her brains punched out as Johnny speaks.

Johnny: In our last round of competition, Leeza Blake tried to teach her dad to share by giving him the gift of pain, but it was the Admiral who won by sending her thoughts, and her brains, upward to a higher calling.

Nick: But now he has to face Leeza’s best buddy, Terinu, who’ll no doubt be out for vengeance. Earlier, Debbie Matenopoulos asked him about this during an interview in the locker room.

Cut to the locker room, where Terinu is halfway through chugging down a case of JOLT! Cola.

Debbie: Terinu, I just wanted to... what the hell are you doing?

Terinu: BrrrAAAAAaaCCK!! Gettin’ ready for the frelling brrooowwaach!! fight, what’s it look like, Skirt?

Debbie: Uh, okay. Well, anyway, you just saw your friend Leeza get her brains punched out of her skull by her own dad. How does that make you feel?

Terinu: I’m gonna rip that hippie’s BUUUUUURRRRRP! ponytail off!

Debbie: Truer words have never spoken. Back to you, Johnny.

Johnny: Thanks Debbie. Well, in our second round we’ve got an extraordinary match set up for you tonight.

Nick: Indeed, Johnny. It’s probably our most lopsided fight in the history of Deathmatch. One fifteen year-old kid against a virtual army of people who want to either kill him, capture him, dissect him, or write slashfic about him.

Johnny: But don’t worry folks, he’s got abilities that may be more than a match for his opponents. Aside from his well-nigh superhuman levels of teenaged angst, he can also project “Bion,” an energy beam that allows him to both decimate opponents and look really cool doing it.

Nick: But who exactly is he up against? In order to sort things out, we’ve called on a special guest commentator, Peta Hewitt, writer of the Terinu comic.

Camera pulls back to show Peta sitting between Johnny and Nick.

Johnny: Welcome to the show, Peta.

Peta: Thank you, Johnny!

Nick: I’m a big fan of your comic, Ms. Hewitt!

Peta: Yes, I know. (looks mildly disturbed) Nick, do you remember what I said about stories with both Teri and Matt in them?

Nick: Um, no! I mean, er, ah, I could re-write it if you wanted.

Peta: I’d appreciate that.

Johnny: What’s this all about, Nick?

Nick (starts typing on his laptop): Nothing, nothing! Hey Johnny, do you know if “ball gag” is hyphenated or not?

Johnny: I don’t even want to know the answer to that question. Moving along, I can see that all of Terinu’s opponents are in the ring now, waiting for him to appear. How about you run us through the lineup, Peta?

Cut to ringside.

Peta: Certainly, Johnny. Moving from left to right in order of irritation, we’ve got Admiral Blake of course, followed by Mavra Chan, Brutal Brooks, the Gene Mage, General Gisko, and Princess Titalia of the Ardactavian Hive. Moving towards the back row we have Professor Saddarth of GenTech and his two flunkies Binda and Croydon, Ambassador Ictiss, Dream Stalker, Emirette, Nefreeti, and of course Samuel Symms and Cyeman Caldwell.

Nick: Aren’t those last two guys already dead?

Peta: That didn’t stop you from bringing the Backstreet Boys on the show for a second time, did it?

Johnny: True.

Nick: A very impressive Rogue’s Gallery for Terinu there I must say, Peta. But aren’t you forgetting someone?

Peta: No, I think that’s everybody.

Johnny: Well, think it over. Who’s the person most responsible for getting Terinu in awful positions he usually finds himself in?

Peta: Um, well, usually that falls to either the Gene Mage, Mavra, or the Admiral, I suppose.

Nick: Yeah, but who created them?

Peta: Err...

Johnny pulls a large lever, and Peta falls through a trapdoor into the ring.

Peta (voice fading): You can’t do this! I’m an omniscient narrator....!

Johnny: Looks like the crowd is getting really excited about this match, Nick!

Brief shot of Rufus, Lance, Matt and Leeza’s brain (sitting in a large jar with her hair on top of it) in the cheering section. Matt’s holding up a sign that says “We love you, Teri!”

Nick: And here’s Terinu now!

We see Terinu enter the ring, hauling a fifty-pound bag of Skittles behind him. He pumps his fists in the air and the crowd roars. Peta is stuck between him and the rest of his opponenets.

Lane: Let’s get it on!

Nick: What the heck is up with all the junk food, Johnny?

Johnny: Well, as you can imagine Nick, Teri’s Bion ability requires a tremendous amount of personal energy. With all that sugar raging through his veins, he just might have enough to defeat his opponents.

Nick: Looks like Mavra’s going to get the ball, or the Ferin, rolling!

Mavra Chan charges Terinu, only to get knocked aside as he swings the bag around, clocking her.

Johnny: Oh, first blood for the little grey guy! But what’s he going to do if they all charge him at once?

Nick: They can’t charge, if he’s supercharged, Johnny!

Teri pours the bag down into his throat and begins to glow as the sugar runs through his system.

Peta: Could I take a moment to request everyone just calm down and be reasonable?

All the rest of Terinu’s opponents charge as one, running her over. She’s left in a Beetle Bailey style heap on the floor.

Peta: Or was that too much to ask...?

Johnny: What’s he doing?

Terinu is surrounded by a blinding ball of light.

Nick: Looks Terinu is going for a classic Atomic Blast finishing move, Johnny!

Johnny: But doesn’t that mean we’re at ground zero then?

Nick: Right you are, Johnny! (pause) Oh, heck.

The ball of energy suddenly explodes outward, and then the screen goes black.

BEAT

Nick: What the hell just happened, Johnny?

Johnny: We appear to be disembodied spirits, alone in a formless void with niether light nor sound, Nick.

Nick: So we’re dead?

Johnny: That and apparently Terinu successfully blew up the entire universe.

Nick: It’s all gone?

Johnny: It seems so, Nick.

Nick: Bummer. Who’s going to sign our paycheck for this week then?

Johnny: Good question. Until we figure that one out...

Nick: Not to mention Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Johnny: This is Johnny Gomez.

Nick: And I’m Nick Diamond, saying, Good Night and Good Fight!

The End