Review: Five-Minute Wonder Woman
Apr. 3rd, 2009 06:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeriendhalSummary: The latest in a series of made for DVD original movies based in the DC Comics universe, Wonder Woman is the origin story of the last of the "Big Three" of the DCU. I won't deny it's a fun story, but the plot logic is a bit... um... lacking.
Scene: Much fighting and generally watered down 300 nastiness as Hippolyta and her Amazons fight some generic Evil Guys, led by the god Ares.
Ares: Who loves ya baby?
Hippolyta: Not me.
Swords clash, monsters bite, Ares’ son gets beheaded.
Ares: Bummer.
Hippolyta: You think that’s bad. Wait until I take your own head off.
Ares: Double bummer. Hey, how can you do that when you’re just a mortal and I’m a god?
Zeus: SHE CAN’T
Hippolyta: Oh, don’t even start, you patriarchal, lecherous old…
Hera: Chill, Hippy. You can’t kill Ares, but I’ll stick these thematically suggestive cuffs on him and you can keep him in prison on Fantasy Island.
Hippolyta: Paradise Island.
Alexa: Themascyra actually.
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Scene:Paradise Island Themascyra, 4,000 years later.
Hippy: Y’know, immortality, an invisible island and a daughter made out of sand sure seemed like a good deal at the time…
Alexa: Bored now.
Artemis: Shut up!
Diana bonks her on the head.
Diana: Sucks to be us.
Artemis: Sucks not to be the teacher’s pet rather.
Hippy: Okay, that’s enough.
Diana: But MOOOOOOoooommmm! I wanna see the outside world!
Hippy: No way, guys suck. Just look at the one we’ve got in the hole in the ground.
Ares: Hi there.
Diana: He’s been there four thousand years and you’re just getting around to telling me now?
Hippy: Don’t think about the plot too much, dear. It’ll just hurt your head.
Meanwhile, high above the skies of Para… er, Themascrya.
Steve “Can’t Keep It in My Pants Zipper” Trevor: Be careful guys, we’re in enemy territory.
Rookie (AKA “Dead Meat”): Uh, which enemy? Because like we’re over the Aegean Sea, so the only countries nearby are Greece, Turkey and Crete, none of which have a significant beef with the United States right now.
Steve: Well… um… oh, heads up! Bandits 6 o’clock!
Rookie: Furthermore we’re being attacked by Saab Gripens, which are only used by the Swedes, Czechs, Hungary and South Africa!
Steve: Look, we’re protecting Crete from Swedish foreign aggression. Just roll with it already.
Rookie dies
Steve: Or not.
Steve gets shot down and lands on Par...
Hippy: Watch it!
Themascrya
Steve: Wow, that was lucky.
He finds the stereotypical Pool of Nekkid Bathing Chicks
Steve: This is too good to be true! (quote!)
An arrow thunks in the tree next to him
Steve: It is! (quote!)
Steve gets chased, caught and questioned using Hippy’s Magic Lasso
Steve: Look I’m into the kinky stuff too, but.... (quote!)
Hippy: You think that’s bad, you should see what Wondy’s creator was into back in the 1930’s.
Steve: I’m a little more interested in what an island full of women have being doing without men for four millennia.
Hippy: This is a PG-13 movie, flyboy.
Steve: Beheadings, bondage jokes and cracks about Ares’ bedroom performance but you’re not going there?
Paul Dini: Double standards, we haz them.
Hippy: Anyway, because we’re so nice we’re going to let you go.
Steve: Um, do you have to?
Scene: Games are held to decide who gets to escort Steve back to the outside world, which Diana sneaks into and win handily. Meanwhile Alexa and a previously near-invisible supporting character guard Ares.
Alexa: Well, at least I’ve got plenty of time to read.
Persephone: Not really. Stabs her in the back.
Alexa: A touch, a palpable touch!
Persephone: Oh, shut up.
Alexa: Oh, cruel muse, which snuffs out a life barely lived…
Persephone: Look, just shut up, you’re dead, so shut up.
Alexa: …It is a far, far better thing that I do than GACK!
Persephone: Thank y--
Alexa: Why did you kill me anyway?
Persephone: NRG! Because I’m staging a jailbreak, you undead moron!
Alexa: You’re letting out one of the most dangerous gods in existence out because…?
Ares: Because I’m so much better for Percy than a Hephaestus brand vibrator.
Alexa: Okay, I can see that. Dies
Percy (pokes her): Thank the gods. I thought she’d never shut up.
Scene: A few minutes later they’ve both escaped (without any mode of transportation mentioned) and Hippy and Diana discover the deed.
Steve: I’m gonna get blamed for this aren’t I? I mean, the first man in four thousand years comes to this island so obviously it’s my fault.
Hippy: Surprisingly enough no, we’re not going that route. We’ll just send you and Diana out to find and stop him.
Steve: Works. How are we getting me home? A boat? A magic portal?
Wonder Woman: Invisible jet.
Steve: Say what?
WW: My invisible jet.
Steve: You’ve been isolated from the outside world for four thousand years, have stuck firmly to a bronze age culture and you’re going to fly an invisible jet plane?
WW: You’re doing the whole (fingerquote) “logic” (/fingerquote) thing again, Stevie.
Steve: Sorry.
Scene: They hit the Big Apple to hang for a while.
WW: Are we going to bother trying make jokes out of the anvilicious Women vs. Men arguments in this bit.
No.
WW: Thank the gods.
Steve: Okay, I think I found where Ares is hanging out. We just have to follow the line of football riots.
Scene: They trace Ares to the Mouth of Hell (almost literally) where the place is guarded by the Cult of Ares.
Ares: Okay, to open the door we just need liiiiiitle blood sacrifice.
Percy: Okay.
Ares: From someone whom I care nothing for.
Percy: Okay.
Ares: Being the God of War, that’s pretty much everyone.
Three guards step behind Percy.
Percy: Okay, I’m a little bit nervous now.
Ares: Hand me your dagger. (Quote)
Percy: Okay, I’m doomed.
Two of the guards grab the middle guard and strap him to the sacrificial altar.
Percy: Hurrah for trope subversions!
Meanwhile, Steve and WW bloodlessly slaughter their way through the guards to try reach Ares before he kills the guard and enters the Underworld. They fail.
WW: Darn.
Scene: To Hades and back.
Ares: Hey there Hades, I need to ask a…
Hades: Before you say anything I want to go on record that I officially resent my portrayal in this film.
Ares: Sigh. Duly noted.
Hades: Traditionally I’m a rather clever and ruthless fellow who’s got a hot wife.
Ares: I know.
Hades: Not a poofy fat guy in a toga with some under the radar suggestions of pedophilia!
Ares: Are you going to pop my damned cuffs off or not!
Hades: Meh. Sure. See ya again soon.
Ares: Huh?
Hades: Nothing!
Ares is freed. Steve and WW have some bonding time at the hospital, then they head to Washington DC to stop Hades from… doing something.
Steve: Okay, why is the army Ares conjured up made of warriors armed with swords and spears, when the Cult of Ares guys had modern guns?
WW: I don’t know, Trevor.
Steve: And where did they come from? There are what, twenty-five, fifty thousand of these guys on the Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial and nobody noticed them showing up?
Park Service Rep: It was surprisingly easy, especially after we were banned from doing crowd estimates after the Million Man March.
The US Army division hiding in the bushes nearby (no seriously) attack Ares’ warriors.
Army Guys: We’re the superior force!
Ares: Unfortunately for you, I’ve got the Rule of Cool on my side.
The Army is slaughtered, leaving it to WW and Steve to move in.
WW: This is not going well!
Hippy: Here we come to save the day!
The Amazons sail up the Potomac in Bronze Age landing craft and join the fight.
Steve: Paul?
Paul Dini: Yeah?
Steve: You’re not even trying to make sense at this point, are you? I mean, sailing from the Aegean to the East Coast in less than twenty-four hours?
Paul Dini: Steve, if you stop whining about the plot I’ll let you fly the Invisible Jet.
Steve: But I haven’t even had a check ride yet…
Paul Dini: Steve, stop thinking and just let people enjoy the damned movie!
Steve: Well, okay.
Steve takes off to chase a nuclear missile launched at Themascryra (don’t ask). Meanwhile, WW goes hand-to-hand with Ares, who has Poke-evolved about two feet taller and now wearing spiky armor.
Ares: I am the God of War! I am Death Incarnate! I am the heavy metal album your mother WOULD NOT LET YOU BUY!
WW: Yeah, so?
Ares: I also can raise the dead now, so nyah!
He raises up a horde of dead Amazons, including Alexa, who attack the Not Dead Yet Amazons.
Dead Alexa: (mutters something in Latin)
Artemis: Gods, you’re a freaking zombie and you won’t shut up! And why are you talking in Latin when you should be using Ancient Greek?
Dead Alexa: Well if somebody hadn’t skipped out of their Classical Literature class, you’d pick up on the clue quicker. (Goes back to muttering)
Artermis: Oh, rats. I hate having to make Knowledge checks.
She makes the check anyway, says the phrase back and frees all the warriors from Ares’ control.
Artemis: How did I do that?
Alexa: It was an ancient Latin phrase that translates to, “You don’t own me, asshole!”
Artemis: And it topped the power of an overpowered god?
Alexa: Fortunately my brains are already putrefied, so I’m beyond worrying about logic at this point.
Meanwhile, Ares and Wondy are still duking it out.
Ares: I will defeat you!
WW: No, you won’t.
Ares; What makes you do sure?
WW: I’m the lead character.
Ares calls down lightning to zap Wondy (which is weird, since that’s one of Zeus’ tricks). She dodges. Unfortunately, he chose to do it a little too close to the Reflecting Pool.
Ares: Ow.
WW: Don’t lose your head over it. Or not.
She beheads him.
Everyone: Yay!
Meanwhile, Steve is still chasing that missile.
Steve: Gotcha now!
He fires a missile at the nuke and nothing happens.
Steve: What’s wrong? Why won’t it fire? I’m shooting blanks! I’m having performance issues!
The nuke is destroyed.
Steve: Oh, invisible missiles. Of course. (quote)
Ares shows up in the underworld to join his son.
Ares: I hate you, Hades.
Hades: Take a number, Ares. I’m not as stupid as I put on.
Scene: Back in New York, Steve and Wondy are in their civvies, getting a cab.
Steve: Care for some witty banter about whether a man should open the door for a woman who can bend him into a pretzel?
WW: Sure, so long as we establish that we’re over the whole Men are From Mars/Women from Venus stuff.
Steve: Works.
There’s a commotion off in the distance. Steve and Wondy check it out, just in time for a cameo from what passes for her Rogues Gallery.
Cheetah: UNEXPECTED NAKED FURRY ATTACK!
The End.
Scene: Much fighting and generally watered down 300 nastiness as Hippolyta and her Amazons fight some generic Evil Guys, led by the god Ares.
Ares: Who loves ya baby?
Hippolyta: Not me.
Swords clash, monsters bite, Ares’ son gets beheaded.
Ares: Bummer.
Hippolyta: You think that’s bad. Wait until I take your own head off.
Ares: Double bummer. Hey, how can you do that when you’re just a mortal and I’m a god?
Zeus: SHE CAN’T
Hippolyta: Oh, don’t even start, you patriarchal, lecherous old…
Hera: Chill, Hippy. You can’t kill Ares, but I’ll stick these thematically suggestive cuffs on him and you can keep him in prison on Fantasy Island.
Hippolyta: Paradise Island.
Alexa: Themascyra actually.
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Scene:
Hippy: Y’know, immortality, an invisible island and a daughter made out of sand sure seemed like a good deal at the time…
Alexa: Bored now.
Artemis: Shut up!
Diana bonks her on the head.
Diana: Sucks to be us.
Artemis: Sucks not to be the teacher’s pet rather.
Hippy: Okay, that’s enough.
Diana: But MOOOOOOoooommmm! I wanna see the outside world!
Hippy: No way, guys suck. Just look at the one we’ve got in the hole in the ground.
Ares: Hi there.
Diana: He’s been there four thousand years and you’re just getting around to telling me now?
Hippy: Don’t think about the plot too much, dear. It’ll just hurt your head.
Meanwhile, high above the skies of Para… er, Themascrya.
Steve “
Rookie (AKA “Dead Meat”): Uh, which enemy? Because like we’re over the Aegean Sea, so the only countries nearby are Greece, Turkey and Crete, none of which have a significant beef with the United States right now.
Steve: Well… um… oh, heads up! Bandits 6 o’clock!
Rookie: Furthermore we’re being attacked by Saab Gripens, which are only used by the Swedes, Czechs, Hungary and South Africa!
Steve: Look, we’re protecting Crete from Swedish foreign aggression. Just roll with it already.
Rookie dies
Steve: Or not.
Steve gets shot down and lands on Par...
Hippy: Watch it!
Themascrya
Steve: Wow, that was lucky.
He finds the stereotypical Pool of Nekkid Bathing Chicks
Steve: This is too good to be true! (quote!)
An arrow thunks in the tree next to him
Steve: It is! (quote!)
Steve gets chased, caught and questioned using Hippy’s Magic Lasso
Steve: Look I’m into the kinky stuff too, but.... (quote!)
Hippy: You think that’s bad, you should see what Wondy’s creator was into back in the 1930’s.
Steve: I’m a little more interested in what an island full of women have being doing without men for four millennia.
Hippy: This is a PG-13 movie, flyboy.
Steve: Beheadings, bondage jokes and cracks about Ares’ bedroom performance but you’re not going there?
Paul Dini: Double standards, we haz them.
Hippy: Anyway, because we’re so nice we’re going to let you go.
Steve: Um, do you have to?
Scene: Games are held to decide who gets to escort Steve back to the outside world, which Diana sneaks into and win handily. Meanwhile Alexa and a previously near-invisible supporting character guard Ares.
Alexa: Well, at least I’ve got plenty of time to read.
Persephone: Not really. Stabs her in the back.
Alexa: A touch, a palpable touch!
Persephone: Oh, shut up.
Alexa: Oh, cruel muse, which snuffs out a life barely lived…
Persephone: Look, just shut up, you’re dead, so shut up.
Alexa: …It is a far, far better thing that I do than GACK!
Persephone: Thank y--
Alexa: Why did you kill me anyway?
Persephone: NRG! Because I’m staging a jailbreak, you undead moron!
Alexa: You’re letting out one of the most dangerous gods in existence out because…?
Ares: Because I’m so much better for Percy than a Hephaestus brand vibrator.
Alexa: Okay, I can see that. Dies
Percy (pokes her): Thank the gods. I thought she’d never shut up.
Scene: A few minutes later they’ve both escaped (without any mode of transportation mentioned) and Hippy and Diana discover the deed.
Steve: I’m gonna get blamed for this aren’t I? I mean, the first man in four thousand years comes to this island so obviously it’s my fault.
Hippy: Surprisingly enough no, we’re not going that route. We’ll just send you and Diana out to find and stop him.
Steve: Works. How are we getting me home? A boat? A magic portal?
Wonder Woman: Invisible jet.
Steve: Say what?
WW: My invisible jet.
Steve: You’ve been isolated from the outside world for four thousand years, have stuck firmly to a bronze age culture and you’re going to fly an invisible jet plane?
WW: You’re doing the whole (fingerquote) “logic” (/fingerquote) thing again, Stevie.
Steve: Sorry.
Scene: They hit the Big Apple to hang for a while.
WW: Are we going to bother trying make jokes out of the anvilicious Women vs. Men arguments in this bit.
No.
WW: Thank the gods.
Steve: Okay, I think I found where Ares is hanging out. We just have to follow the line of football riots.
Scene: They trace Ares to the Mouth of Hell (almost literally) where the place is guarded by the Cult of Ares.
Ares: Okay, to open the door we just need liiiiiitle blood sacrifice.
Percy: Okay.
Ares: From someone whom I care nothing for.
Percy: Okay.
Ares: Being the God of War, that’s pretty much everyone.
Three guards step behind Percy.
Percy: Okay, I’m a little bit nervous now.
Ares: Hand me your dagger. (Quote)
Percy: Okay, I’m doomed.
Two of the guards grab the middle guard and strap him to the sacrificial altar.
Percy: Hurrah for trope subversions!
Meanwhile, Steve and WW bloodlessly slaughter their way through the guards to try reach Ares before he kills the guard and enters the Underworld. They fail.
WW: Darn.
Scene: To Hades and back.
Ares: Hey there Hades, I need to ask a…
Hades: Before you say anything I want to go on record that I officially resent my portrayal in this film.
Ares: Sigh. Duly noted.
Hades: Traditionally I’m a rather clever and ruthless fellow who’s got a hot wife.
Ares: I know.
Hades: Not a poofy fat guy in a toga with some under the radar suggestions of pedophilia!
Ares: Are you going to pop my damned cuffs off or not!
Hades: Meh. Sure. See ya again soon.
Ares: Huh?
Hades: Nothing!
Ares is freed. Steve and WW have some bonding time at the hospital, then they head to Washington DC to stop Hades from… doing something.
Steve: Okay, why is the army Ares conjured up made of warriors armed with swords and spears, when the Cult of Ares guys had modern guns?
WW: I don’t know, Trevor.
Steve: And where did they come from? There are what, twenty-five, fifty thousand of these guys on the Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial and nobody noticed them showing up?
Park Service Rep: It was surprisingly easy, especially after we were banned from doing crowd estimates after the Million Man March.
The US Army division hiding in the bushes nearby (no seriously) attack Ares’ warriors.
Army Guys: We’re the superior force!
Ares: Unfortunately for you, I’ve got the Rule of Cool on my side.
The Army is slaughtered, leaving it to WW and Steve to move in.
WW: This is not going well!
Hippy: Here we come to save the day!
The Amazons sail up the Potomac in Bronze Age landing craft and join the fight.
Steve: Paul?
Paul Dini: Yeah?
Steve: You’re not even trying to make sense at this point, are you? I mean, sailing from the Aegean to the East Coast in less than twenty-four hours?
Paul Dini: Steve, if you stop whining about the plot I’ll let you fly the Invisible Jet.
Steve: But I haven’t even had a check ride yet…
Paul Dini: Steve, stop thinking and just let people enjoy the damned movie!
Steve: Well, okay.
Steve takes off to chase a nuclear missile launched at Themascryra (don’t ask). Meanwhile, WW goes hand-to-hand with Ares, who has Poke-evolved about two feet taller and now wearing spiky armor.
Ares: I am the God of War! I am Death Incarnate! I am the heavy metal album your mother WOULD NOT LET YOU BUY!
WW: Yeah, so?
Ares: I also can raise the dead now, so nyah!
He raises up a horde of dead Amazons, including Alexa, who attack the Not Dead Yet Amazons.
Dead Alexa: (mutters something in Latin)
Artemis: Gods, you’re a freaking zombie and you won’t shut up! And why are you talking in Latin when you should be using Ancient Greek?
Dead Alexa: Well if somebody hadn’t skipped out of their Classical Literature class, you’d pick up on the clue quicker. (Goes back to muttering)
Artermis: Oh, rats. I hate having to make Knowledge checks.
She makes the check anyway, says the phrase back and frees all the warriors from Ares’ control.
Artemis: How did I do that?
Alexa: It was an ancient Latin phrase that translates to, “You don’t own me, asshole!”
Artemis: And it topped the power of an overpowered god?
Alexa: Fortunately my brains are already putrefied, so I’m beyond worrying about logic at this point.
Meanwhile, Ares and Wondy are still duking it out.
Ares: I will defeat you!
WW: No, you won’t.
Ares; What makes you do sure?
WW: I’m the lead character.
Ares calls down lightning to zap Wondy (which is weird, since that’s one of Zeus’ tricks). She dodges. Unfortunately, he chose to do it a little too close to the Reflecting Pool.
Ares: Ow.
WW: Don’t lose your head over it. Or not.
She beheads him.
Everyone: Yay!
Meanwhile, Steve is still chasing that missile.
Steve: Gotcha now!
He fires a missile at the nuke and nothing happens.
Steve: What’s wrong? Why won’t it fire? I’m shooting blanks! I’m having performance issues!
The nuke is destroyed.
Steve: Oh, invisible missiles. Of course. (quote)
Ares shows up in the underworld to join his son.
Ares: I hate you, Hades.
Hades: Take a number, Ares. I’m not as stupid as I put on.
Scene: Back in New York, Steve and Wondy are in their civvies, getting a cab.
Steve: Care for some witty banter about whether a man should open the door for a woman who can bend him into a pretzel?
WW: Sure, so long as we establish that we’re over the whole Men are From Mars/Women from Venus stuff.
Steve: Works.
There’s a commotion off in the distance. Steve and Wondy check it out, just in time for a cameo from what passes for her Rogues Gallery.
Cheetah: UNEXPECTED NAKED FURRY ATTACK!
The End.
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Date: 2009-04-03 11:32 pm (UTC)I <3 You!