Five-Minute Terinu, Chapter Eighteen, Part Two

[jeriendhal]

We open with Aunt Vonnie and Leeza barreling down the road back to Chez Freeman.

Leeza: Recap, recap.

Vonnie sees smoke rising from the pier.

Vonnie: Given that we left two teenagers and a ten-year old alone in the house, I really should less surprised about this than I am.

They find Kevin.

Kevin: Uh, so Gwen’s boyfriend turned out to be an evil double-agent with a spaceship hidden under the pier. He just kidnapped her and flew off with the little gray guy hanging off the side..

Leeza: If I hadn’t been dealing with Terinu’s life for the past few months, I wouldn’t have believed that.

Vonnie: I still don’t believe it, but I’m calling my idiot brother to help out.


Terinu wakes up aboard Pedo-Man’s spaceship.

Terinu: Hey, I survived the cliffhanger.

Readers: Yay!

Terinu steps in the late Cyeman’s remains

Terinu: Eww! Loser casserole! (Best Quote Evar!) Now to find where I am. (Sees a lot of formless gray void out the windows) Assuming I know a damned thing about spaceship piloting that is.

He finds Gwen and lets her out of stasis while making bedroom eyes.

Angela Lansbury (singing): Tale as old as time./Beauty and the Beast!

Terinu: Geez, she’s not that ugly!

Gwen: No touchy!

Terinu: Hiss!

Gwen: Where are we?

Terinu: Dunno.

Gwen: Did you check the navigation logs?

Terinu: No.

Gwen: Why not?

Terinu: Umm... Let me pause to remind readers of my tragic dyslexia.

Gwen: Fortunately I’ll ignore my own question, thus saving this from becoming an After-School Special.

American Readers: Oh, thank God! [1]

The ship shakes as it’s taken into tow.

Gwen: Waugh! Now what?

Terinu: How about we argue pointlessly until we land?

Gwen: Works for me.

They land.

Gwen: Anymore bright ideas?

Terinu: We hide under the ship after I give you concussion.

Gwen: We’re gonna what?!

Clonk!

Gwen: Ow!

Terinu: Shh!

Gwen: I am not gonna shh! Why should I should I--- Mmph!

He gags her with his hand.

Ardie: What’s in the ship, dude?

Creo: There’s a buncha empty stasis chambers and a load of Fried Loser on the floor.

Ardie: Geez. Okay, start hunting for the survivors and then find a mop, would’ya?

Terinu: Creo and Ardies working together? This Means Something!

Gwen bites his hand.

Terinu: Ow! (Clonks his head.) Whatcha do that for?

Gwen: So we can keep arguing instead of working together.

Terinu: Look dummy, listen to me I used to work on a pirate ship...

Gwen: You’re a pirate!?

Terinu: No, I just used to work on a pirate ship.

Gwen: So you are a pirate.

Terinu: No, it’s like... um, do you have ten or twenty pages to spare for my backstory?

Gwen: Frankly no.

Terinu: Ah, screw you then. I’ll up and leave you while we cut over to see what everyone else is doing.

Gwen: Oh, come on. No hero in a conventional narrative would just leave the...

He leaves.

Gwen: Fragg. I forgot that webcomics don’t have to worry about appealing to the lowest common denominator in the audience.

Meanwhile, back with Leeza and Co.

Leeza: Dad, you suck.

Admiral: I haven’t said anything yet! Look, just because I put a fifteen-year old girl in mortal danger because I didn’t bother to notify her guardians about the kidnapping plot against her doesn’t mean I’m a jerk.

Vonnie: Really, what would?

Admiral: How about being completely dismissive about your concerns and blaming Leeza for the whole thing because she managed lose Terinu?

Vonnie: That works.

Leeza picks up her phone.

Leeza: Yo?

Barry: You busy, Leeza?

Leeza: Please, anything to distract me from Dad. Wassup?

Barry: Well, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that your mate Rufus is looking worse.

Leeza: What’s the good news?

Barry: He’s not stuck in your Dad’s office listening to that arsehole justify himself.

Leeza: Lucky bastard.

In a Vulpine hospital.

Announcer: Time once again for Vulpinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a star pilot who’s gone to the dogs.

Nurse Janice: Wow, so that’s the Rufus Brushtail.

Nurse Piggy: Yep.

Nurse Janice: He looks so sweet lying there helpless... unconscious... no shirt...

Nurse Piggy: Yeah... Er, I mean, how awful that there’s such a terrible epidemic running through Vulpine space.

Nurse Janice: Er, yes. And it’s all her fault. (Points to Melika on the next table over.)

Rufus (waking up): Man, I know I knocked back a few cocktails on that Quantas flight, but... (sees Mel) Oh, that can’t be good.

Meanwhile, back with Teri.

Terinu: Stoopid gurlz, who needs ‘em? (Finds a terminal) Well me, unless I magically develop literacy. Crap.

In a random corridor.

Gwen: I just want to make it clear that just because I’m running around barefoot and alone through an alien military base doesn’t mean I’m a ditz.

Readers: No?

Gwen: Tripping over this piece of floor and almost getting caught makes me look like a ditz. OW!

Princess Titalia and lackeys walk in.

Titalia: Where’s my human with the Amazing Plug-in Brain? I need her so I can mention my disc full of super-secret war info in her presence.

Ardie Commander: Still looking, sorry.

Gwen: Is she talking about me?

Readers: Duh!

Titalia: Icky, you keep making that face it’ll freeze up like that. What’s the matter?

Ictiss: Don’t you think starting a war without the Gene Mage’s permission is sorta, y’know, bad?

Titalia: Wimp.

Gwen: Oh, noes! We’re going to war with the Ardies and my boyfriend loved me for my brains and not my body.

Terinu (pops down): When you put it that way, it’s kinda frightening isn’t it?

Gwen: Waugh! Quit that!

Terinu (sees her port): Hey! You’ve got a USB port! That’s just what we need!

Gwen: Dude, I am so not downloading pr0n for you.

Terinu: No, no. We can use it to grab shuttle and get out of here.

Gwen: Do you know how to fly one?

Terinu: Details, details!

Gwen: Anyway, we ain’t leaving until until I can grab the super-secret war info that Princess T mentioned.

Terinu: No way!

Gwen: Way!

Terinu: No way!

Gwen: Way! Anyway, why should I trust you, you ran off on me, jerkface.

Terinu: No fair using logic!

Gwen: I demand we make a Blood Oath so I can trust you!

Holds out her thumb.

Terinu: Somebody has seen Pirates of the Caribbean a few too many times. (He licks the blade of his sword.) Your turn!

Gwen: I can’t do that!

Terinu: Why not?

Gwen: It’s violating the Comics Code!!

Terinu: Dude, webcomic, remember?

Gwen: Aw, crap! (She licks the sword too.) This isn’t just a cheap ploy to get some tongue action, is it?

Terinu: Not just a cheap ploy.

They make full panel kissy-face.

Readers: We’re torn between the sweetness of this moment and the fact we think Gwen is an idiot.

Gwen: Shaddup!

The End



[1] Note for Non-USAians. “The ABC After-School Special” was an occasional show aired weekday afternoons in the States, aimed at kids and dealing with capital “I” Issues like bullying, drug abuse, racism, alcoholism, child abuse, teen pregnancy, and figuring out you’re gay. They were all about as fun to watch as a funeral and they were guaranteed to screw up the afternoon cartoon viewing of millions of kids.

Comments

Thanks for posting

[badasher.livejournal.com]

Thanks for putting this up, old bean. I had forgotten to check Terinu for awhile. I've read through nearly the entire sight using it to spark even more dark ideas that Peta will never use.

I'm a little sad about that...I thought the exploding Ferrin had so much potential. =)

Re: Thanks for posting

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

*grins* Glad I could make you smile.