jeriendhal | Five Minute Stargate

Okay, this is funny. All the episodes of Stargate SG-1 (through Season Five anyway), are compressed into a five minute script.

An example from the pilot episode, "Children of the Gods":

[Mission is a go...]
Hammond: No Kleenex boxes or we send a bomb, comprende?
O'Neill: Yessir.
Hammond: Actually, if you don't contact us we'll send a bomb anyway.
O'Neill: Yessir.
Hammond: And bring Daniel Jackson back, or we... er... just bring him back.
O'Neill: Yessir.

[Gate room...]
O'Neill: Right, campers. Let's go. Carter...
Carter: You'll like me better later in the series.
O'Neill: Oh my, yes. Now git.

[On the other side...]
Carter: I think I'm gonna be sick.
O'Neill: Maybe you shouldn't have had that big lunch.
[Pre-fivered!]

[A bunch of kids pop up, aiming guns at them.]
O'Neill: Carter, you may not wanna spend what's left your life throwing up.
Carter: Yessir.

Daniel: Hi, kids. Let's not shoot the Earth people.
O'Neill: SKAARA!
Skaara: Yay!
Daniel: "Oh, Daniel, thank you for saving our lives." "It's no problem, I'm a nice person." "No, really Daniel, it's great that you saved our lives..."
Skaara: He does this sometimes. Just smile and nod.

O'Neill: How's it hanging?
Daniel: Groovy. Just to make sure: Apophis didn't come from here.
Carter: Ooh la-la. The DHD. Ours is a big, clunky, room-sized thing...
O'Neill: Carter.
Carter: ...hooked up to three superconductors...
O'Neill: Carter.
Carter: ...liquid helium-cooled...
O'Neill: Carter!
Carter: Yes?
O'Neill: Come meet the original übergeek.

Carter: Dr. Jackson, I presume. I'm Doctor Samantha Carter.
O'Neill: I thought you wanted to be called "Captain."
[Pre-fivered!]
Daniel: Why am I getting this feeling of foreboding?
Carter: Not a clue. It's too early for Black Widow Syndrome...
Daniel: Maybe it's those serpent guards that killed four people, abducted an Attractive Female Airman, and ruined a poker game that're coming to abduct my wife and brother-in-law in about five minutes.
Carter: Could be.

Daniel: Dinner, my place.
O'Neill: I'd rather look around to see where Snake Boy and his guards came from.
Carter: Um, we're in the middle of a sandstorm.
O'Neill: Dinner it is.

[Dinner. A load of Abydonians are sitting around, eating. O'Neill, Daniel, and Carter are sitting in close proximity.]
Daniel: Yeah, I'm thinking that Snake Boy came from another planet.
Carter: But we messed with stuff for years. The gate only goes here.
Daniel: I've got something keen to show ya. Sha're, honey, going to show Jack and company the thing. Be right back.
[Sha're plants a big one on him. Hooting abounds.]
Sha're: Bye, hon. [wanders off]
Daniel: Bah-bah-bah-bah...
Carter: Is he having a seizure or something?
O'Neill: No, he's just a nerd.
Daniel: Are you... talking... words...?

[Daniel takes them into another temple. Building. Whatever. It's full of writing.]
Daniel: Pretty gnarly, eh?
Everyone: Gnarly.
Daniel: So, I'm thinking your Prince look-alike came from another planet.
Carter: Hmmm... no. That doesn't work.
Daniel: But, what about the cosmological constant? Expansion of the universe? Stellar drift?
Carter: Stargate link rot! Of course. On second thought, that's entirely possible.

[Back with the Abydonians...]
Ferretti: Daniel's wife is hot.
[Apophis and his serpent guards invade the chamber.]
Apophis: This is true.

Ferretti: Minor character... science fiction show... pilot episode... no opening credits listing... I want my mommy.
[ZAP!]

Link: http://www.3sygma.com/fiveminute/stargate/