jeriendhal | Five-Minute Terinu, Chapter Nineteen

Scene: A nurse hovers over Rufus in bed.

Narrator: Time once again for Vulpinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a star pilot who's gone to the dogs.

Nurse Janice: Like wow, this medicine I'm injecting into you is a total bummer.

Rufus: But the colors are so pretty. So what's shakin'?

Nurse Janice: Well, we're doing a lot of complicated stuff that sounds really impressive if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Rufus: And if I did?

Nurse Janice: Let's just say you'd better check up on what your death benefits pay out.

Rufus: Bummer.

Narrator: Tune in next time to Vulpinarian's Hospital, where you'll hear Nurse Janice say:

Nurse Janice: It's scary how you're like, totally cool, even when you're half dead.

Rufus: It's a gift.

Scene: Glowy Cyber-Gwen flies over the Matrix.

Terinu: Well? (quote)

Gwen: Yikes! I WASN'T SURFING FOR PR0N!

Terinu: So www.chippendales.net is the maintenance bay's server domain, is it?

Gwen: No, I was just trying to figure out what's sexy about Ardies biting their mate's head off.

Terinu: Yech. You get a shuttle set up for us?

Gwen: Yep.

Cyber-Gwen (sitting on Real Gwen's shoulder): Whee! Eat spam, Tinkerbell!

Terinu: You know how to fly it?

Gwen: Um, does playing a thousand hours of Microsoft Space Simulator count?

Terinu: We're so hosed. Now what?

Gwen: Now we get the vital record of the Evil Villain's plans. Come on, Demon Boy! (quote)

Terinu: Demon Boy? Well, at least now I know why she was trying to draw a pentagram around me... Anyway, the name is Terinu.

Gwen: Snicker.

Terinu: Not that you should draw any deep meaning from it...

Gwen: Hehe. Snicker, chortle...

Terinu: ...Because it wasn't like being named by Psycho Pirate B*tch was fun...

Gwen: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Terinu: Never mind...

They enter a laboratory.

Terinu: So you downloaded a map of this place into your skull? (quote)

Gwen: Sure, I got it off MapQuest.

Terinu: No wonder we're lost.

Gwen (poking at bits of lab stuff): Hmm, Vulpine gross bits.

Terinu: Eww... I don't even want to know how you recognized them.

Gwen: Let's just say we don't talk much about the dissection portion of the curriculum at school.

The door swishes open.

Terinu (grabs Gwen and leaps to the rafters): Up, up, and AWAY!

Ardie Flunky: Operation Foxy Flu is working perfectly, Your Eviliness.

Titalia: (Mr. Burns) Excellent. (/Mr. Burns)

Flunkie: Oh, and we had to severance a lab tech with extreme prejudice.

Titalia: Did you put all the information about this on an easily stolen data chip for The Hero to grab?

Flunkie: Got it right here.

Titalia: Bwahaha! Now every Vulpine in the universe will bow to my will!

Flunkie: You're going to make them into your slaves?

Titalia: No, fool! I'm going to open Wal-Marts across Vulpine Prime and suck away their local economy!

Terinu: Fragg, she is evil!

Gwen: Oh, noes! I completely forgot to tell you about the smexy Vulpine guy at our house keeling over!

Terinu: Hey, no big deal about that. He's only one of the THREE PEOPLE IN THE FRELLING WORLD who like me. (draws his sword and starts to glow) I have the POWER!

Gwen: Hey, don't you want to work out some plan of attack... (he leaps into battle) ...never mind.

Terinu proceeds to open a can of Whoopass on Titalia's guards.

Ardie Flunkie: Hey! This is a No Backstabbing Zone! Gurk!

Terinu: Woohoo! Rolled a critical hit! (zaps the other guard\)

Titalia: Bad space rat! No biscuit for you!

Gwen: Don't zap her, she's carrying the data chip which after five hundred years of computer advancement still needs a freaking surge protector.

Terinu: Crud. Hand it over, Titty!

Titalia: Release me and die!

Terinu: Don't you mean “Release me or die?”

Titalia: I'm not big on negotiation.

Terinu: What do you think of “Hand over the data chip or get a second smile?”

Titalia: Well, when you put it that way. (chucks the chip to Gwen)

Gwen sticks the data chip in and starts transmitting the info, barely avoiding being taken out by the system's black ICE worms.

Gwen: Aiieeee! I just found Titalia's collection of Hentai!

Terinu (after zapping Titalia): Hey, you okay, Gwen?

Gwen: I'm fine. A little blood and mayhem, no problem! (Quote!)

Terinu: Let's scram!

Gwen: Hey, did you just call me by my first name instead of “Freeman” or “Skirt”?

Terinu: No.

Gwen: Are you sure, because it sure sounded like...

Terinu: NO!

Scene: Back with Titalia

Ambassador Ictis: Wassup?

Titalia: My Vulpine Wal-Mart plan would have worked if it hadn't been for those darned kids! Release the Tunnel Hunters!

Ambassador Ictis: Man, you're cranky when you first wake up.

Scene: The shuttle bay.

Gwen: Crap, this is worse than trying to find my Beemer in the mall's parking lot.

Terinu: Ferin Sense tingling!

Giant Ants attack!

Gwen: Run away!

Terinu: Eat Bion, Six Legs!

Giant Ant: Actually we're descendants of peaceful herbivore gatherer ants, not those nasty warrior ants you always hear abou-- argh! Okay, the gloves are off!

A giant ant goes after Gwen. She's about to get skewered when Terinu leaps on its back and lops off its head, leaving her face covered in ant goop.

Gwen: Yech. Reminds me of my first date with Cyeman.

Readers: Ewwww...

She breaks a pipe on the leg of an ant.

Gwen: We're so hosed.

Terinu: Hey, what else could possibly hap-- (He's grabbed by a giant ant's pincers) Owie! Hope this thing's brain is in the obvious place! (quote!)

He rams his sword into its head as it jabs him in the gut with its stinger.

Gwen: TERINU! No, not your magnificent six-pack! (stabs in the ant in its belly with her broken pipe.)

Scene: Titalia and Replacement Flunkie

RF: Like, dude, those kids are totally skewered. You want me to send some guards to make sure they're dead?

Titalia: What, and break the Evil Overlord code? They're doomed, doomed I tell you!

RF: Suuuure, they are.

Scene: A GSA communication station.

Operator: We get signal!

Commander: Main screen turn on!

Operator: “All your Vulpine belong to us?”

Scene: In the Mines of Mor-- oh, fragg that's gotta hurt!

Gwen: You're actually climbing over these rocks pretty well for a guy that's been gut stabbed.

Terinu: Thanks. Hurk!

Gwen: You okay?

Terinu: Well, aside from getting stabbed by poisoned acidic stinger... No, I'm not okay! Here, use my shirt as a bandage.

Gwen: This has got to be the grossest bit of fanservice I've ever seen. (she washes out and bandages his wound.) Still bleeding, we'd better get your pants off and make more bandages.

Terinu: Not on my life!

Gwen: Don't you mean “Not on your life?” (He lets out a cry and keels over.) Er, maybe not.

Pause

Gwen: Okay, I'm alone with a dying boy, light years from home, no chance of escape or rescue, trapped in a cold, dark cave with a limited supply of glow sticks.

Um, I could use a joke to lighten the mood right now.

A pun even?

Anybody?

Fade to black.