jeriendhal | Billy Mays

So this morning I picked up the Washington Post's Style section and the lead article there was about Billy Mays, the "Oxy-Clean" guy. And first thing it says is that he was actually getting sick of his own voice, due to being stuck on the couch watching TV as he recuperates from a hip replacement.

So I started thinking (as a means of diverting myself from the realization that I'm going to be hearing him in my head all day), what the poor fellow must be like in the real world. Could you imagine being witness to when he proposed marriage to his wife?

"HI! BILLY MAYS here, for BILLY MAYS. If you AGREE to enter the bonds of ETERNAL MATRIMONY with me, YOU can be with ME, BILLY MAYS, for the REST of YOUR LIFE, ABSOLUTELY FREE. NOT ONLY THAT, if you AGREE RIGHT NOW, you will ALSO get this EXCLUSIVE RING, which is NOT FOURTEEN CARATS, NOT FIFTEEN CARATS, but SIXTEEN CARATS of PURE CUBIC ZIRCONIUM!

NOT ONLY THAT! But if you agree RIGHT NOW, you will ALSO get this lovely THREE BEDROOM HOUSE, that comes in two hundred fifty EASY PAYMENTS of only $1,200 DOLLARS A MONTH! And until that house BECOMES AVAILABLE, you can stay with me, BILLY MAYS, here in MY PARENTS lovely BASEMENT APARTMENT, ABSOLUTELY FREE!