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jeriendhalPart deux. I've altered the last bit from Part One since I missed a few key plot points.
Mutt and Indy muck around in a tomb, demonstrate execrable archeological respect for a site, and find the nifty and titular alien Crystal Skull. (bingo check) Then of course they’re captured by the Nazis, er, Russians.
Spatsky: Allow me to strap you in this special Drive Annoying Archeologists Crazy Chair that we brought along.
Indy: Okay, now what?
Spatsky: Now you will starrrrrre into the mysterrrrrrrrious skull until you get the crazies.
Indy: Um, no.
Spatsky: How about now?
Indy: Nope, it’s still just sitting th-- eeehaagagaga!
Indy is released to chat with Ox
Indy: John Hurt? What are you doing in this film?
Ox: Slumming, apparently. Ladedadedaaaaaa!
Indy attempts to interpret Ox’s ramblings.
Spatsky: Check “automatic writing”
Audience: That’s more of a Victorian Spiritualist thing.
Spatsky (pulls out her rapier): Don’t argue with the overacting Oscar winner.
Audience: Okay, okay! Sheesh!
Indy: I’m not gonna help you anymore.
Spatsky: We’ll kill your s--, er, assistant.
Mutt (combs his pompadour in place): I’m ready to die.
Indy: Okay.
Mutt: You could have hesitated a bit!
Spatsky: And Mutt’s mom/your designated love interest.
Marion Ravenwood: Hi.
Indy: Hey, I thought Mutt’s mom was Mary Somebody.
Marion: Indy. Get. A. Clue.
Indy, Mutt, Ox (what is it with the animal refs in this movie?) and Marion run away very fast. Indy and Marion fall into Slower Than Lightning Sand. Mutt runs off to get a stick and pull them out.
Indy: Where’s the kid? Get help Ox! Beat I just set myself up, didn’t I?
George and Steven: Oh, hell yes.
Marion: Mutt’s your son.
Indy: Allow me to be a flaming hypocrite about his education.
Marion: Allow me to inform you what a commitment phobic ass you are.
Indy: Point.
Mutt comes back with the Worlds Biggest Rat Snake to use as a rope and pulls his mom out. Indy is less sanguine.
Mutt: Just grab the snake, er, rope.
Indy: I’ll just stay here.
Mutt: It’s not that hard.
Indy: Look, get me a fresh pair of pants, then throw me the, uh, rope.
Ox comes back with “help”, they’re captured again and dragged along behind the Worlds Biggest Brushcutter through the surprisingly flat Amazonian jungle in the back of a truck
Indy: You still love me.
Marion: Barely.
Mutt: So how did you two get together anyway?
Marion: Well, Indy burned down my bar in Nepal and then left me tied up in the tent of a psycho French archeologist working for the Nazis…
Mutt: TMI! TMI!
Indy frees them with Mutt’s help, punches the truck driver and then starts a wild chase (again) through the jungle.
Russians Who Got Thrown From the Various Trucks: We are so glad we’re walking back to Moscow instead of getting involved in the climax.
Mutt: Hey, Psychic Russian Babe! How about a swordfight in the most improbable manner possible?
Spatsky: Works for me.
Mutt and Spatsky fight on the back of two moving trucks. Meanwhile Indy plays hopscotch between them trying to grab the skull and rescue Ox.
Mutt: That was fun. Now what?
Spatsky: I shoot at your mother before we run into a field of improbably dangerous red ants.
Mutts: Works.
They run into the fields of the Improbably Large and Aggressive Ants. Indy gets into a last fist fight with the Russian Colonel before he dies horribly (the Colonel, not Indy). Then Marion helps them all escape through the power of Bad Driving.
Indy: That worked. Now I just have to figure out what Ox meant by the Three Drops thingie…
They drop over a waterfall.
Marion: Okay, we all survived that. No worries, this is an action movie, we’re allowed. Plus, not even George would be dumb enough to drive that joke into the grrrrrrooooooouuuunnd!
They go over the second set of falls
Mutt: Can’t we just pull over to the bank before the next fall?
Lucas: No.
They go over the third set of falls.
Marion: I know why Indy is alive, we all know he lives to be a 102 years old in Young Indy. What’s our excuse?
Steven: I’m not as big of an ass as George.
Marion: Thanks.
Steven: No prob.
Lucas: I hate you all.
They find the entrance to the Temple of the Crystal Skull guys and are chased by angry natives through it.
Natives: We’re still pissed about you taking our golden idol back in the 30’s!
Indy: Belloc was right. I really need to learn Hovitos.
They find the inner temple, get betrayed by Mac (again), stick the skull back on the crystal skeleton, then all hell breaks loose.
Spatsky: Oh, great and powerful Asgardi---, er, Greys. Show me everything!
They show her Everything.
Alien: What have you learned?
Spatsky: Two great truths. One: Indiana Jones didn’t do a damned thing to affect the climax, just like in the first movie. Also like the first movie, the bad guy’s own hubris is going to make their face melt off…
Wait a minute.
Alien: BINGO!
Spatsky melts. Indy and co. (minus Mac the Moron) Run Away. A barely visible flying saucer (bingo check) appears and then disappears. Then all the survivors come back to the university for the big wedding.
Indy: Gimme my hat back, Junior. I’ve still got a couple of sequels left in me.
THE END
Lucas: You liked it right? The gophers in the beginning were funny, right?
Steven: George, I'm taking your crayons away.
The End ?
Mutt and Indy muck around in a tomb, demonstrate execrable archeological respect for a site, and find the nifty and titular alien Crystal Skull. (bingo check) Then of course they’re captured by the Nazis, er, Russians.
Spatsky: Allow me to strap you in this special Drive Annoying Archeologists Crazy Chair that we brought along.
Indy: Okay, now what?
Spatsky: Now you will starrrrrre into the mysterrrrrrrrious skull until you get the crazies.
Indy: Um, no.
Spatsky: How about now?
Indy: Nope, it’s still just sitting th-- eeehaagagaga!
Indy is released to chat with Ox
Indy: John Hurt? What are you doing in this film?
Ox: Slumming, apparently. Ladedadedaaaaaa!
Indy attempts to interpret Ox’s ramblings.
Spatsky: Check “automatic writing”
Audience: That’s more of a Victorian Spiritualist thing.
Spatsky (pulls out her rapier): Don’t argue with the overacting Oscar winner.
Audience: Okay, okay! Sheesh!
Indy: I’m not gonna help you anymore.
Spatsky: We’ll kill your s--, er, assistant.
Mutt (combs his pompadour in place): I’m ready to die.
Indy: Okay.
Mutt: You could have hesitated a bit!
Spatsky: And Mutt’s mom/your designated love interest.
Marion Ravenwood: Hi.
Indy: Hey, I thought Mutt’s mom was Mary Somebody.
Marion: Indy. Get. A. Clue.
Indy, Mutt, Ox (what is it with the animal refs in this movie?) and Marion run away very fast. Indy and Marion fall into Slower Than Lightning Sand. Mutt runs off to get a stick and pull them out.
Indy: Where’s the kid? Get help Ox! Beat I just set myself up, didn’t I?
George and Steven: Oh, hell yes.
Marion: Mutt’s your son.
Indy: Allow me to be a flaming hypocrite about his education.
Marion: Allow me to inform you what a commitment phobic ass you are.
Indy: Point.
Mutt comes back with the Worlds Biggest Rat Snake to use as a rope and pulls his mom out. Indy is less sanguine.
Mutt: Just grab the snake, er, rope.
Indy: I’ll just stay here.
Mutt: It’s not that hard.
Indy: Look, get me a fresh pair of pants, then throw me the, uh, rope.
Ox comes back with “help”, they’re captured again and dragged along behind the Worlds Biggest Brushcutter through the surprisingly flat Amazonian jungle in the back of a truck
Indy: You still love me.
Marion: Barely.
Mutt: So how did you two get together anyway?
Marion: Well, Indy burned down my bar in Nepal and then left me tied up in the tent of a psycho French archeologist working for the Nazis…
Mutt: TMI! TMI!
Indy frees them with Mutt’s help, punches the truck driver and then starts a wild chase (again) through the jungle.
Russians Who Got Thrown From the Various Trucks: We are so glad we’re walking back to Moscow instead of getting involved in the climax.
Mutt: Hey, Psychic Russian Babe! How about a swordfight in the most improbable manner possible?
Spatsky: Works for me.
Mutt and Spatsky fight on the back of two moving trucks. Meanwhile Indy plays hopscotch between them trying to grab the skull and rescue Ox.
Mutt: That was fun. Now what?
Spatsky: I shoot at your mother before we run into a field of improbably dangerous red ants.
Mutts: Works.
They run into the fields of the Improbably Large and Aggressive Ants. Indy gets into a last fist fight with the Russian Colonel before he dies horribly (the Colonel, not Indy). Then Marion helps them all escape through the power of Bad Driving.
Indy: That worked. Now I just have to figure out what Ox meant by the Three Drops thingie…
They drop over a waterfall.
Marion: Okay, we all survived that. No worries, this is an action movie, we’re allowed. Plus, not even George would be dumb enough to drive that joke into the grrrrrrooooooouuuunnd!
They go over the second set of falls
Mutt: Can’t we just pull over to the bank before the next fall?
Lucas: No.
They go over the third set of falls.
Marion: I know why Indy is alive, we all know he lives to be a 102 years old in Young Indy. What’s our excuse?
Steven: I’m not as big of an ass as George.
Marion: Thanks.
Steven: No prob.
Lucas: I hate you all.
They find the entrance to the Temple of the Crystal Skull guys and are chased by angry natives through it.
Natives: We’re still pissed about you taking our golden idol back in the 30’s!
Indy: Belloc was right. I really need to learn Hovitos.
They find the inner temple, get betrayed by Mac (again), stick the skull back on the crystal skeleton, then all hell breaks loose.
Spatsky: Oh, great and powerful Asgardi---, er, Greys. Show me everything!
They show her Everything.
Alien: What have you learned?
Spatsky: Two great truths. One: Indiana Jones didn’t do a damned thing to affect the climax, just like in the first movie. Also like the first movie, the bad guy’s own hubris is going to make their face melt off…
Wait a minute.
Alien: BINGO!
Spatsky melts. Indy and co. (minus Mac the Moron) Run Away. A barely visible flying saucer (bingo check) appears and then disappears. Then all the survivors come back to the university for the big wedding.
Indy: Gimme my hat back, Junior. I’ve still got a couple of sequels left in me.
THE END
Lucas: You liked it right? The gophers in the beginning were funny, right?
Steven: George, I'm taking your crayons away.
The End ?
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Date: 2008-11-18 07:02 pm (UTC)