Five Minute Star Trek

[jeriendhal]

Just got back from seeing this with moonshadowed. Short Version: It rocked. Like the first time I went to see LotR: The Fellowship of the Ring and the first X-Men movie, I came away feeling that they could have f*cked it up royally and didn't.

Still, I wouldn't be me if I didn't do this.



SCENE: Somewhere in SPACE.

Science Officer: We've got a strange space time energy thingie opening up in front of us, Captain.

Icarus Captain: Contact the ship at the center of the thingie.

Nero's ship fires on the Icarus

Icarus Captain: So much for seeking out new life....

Nero: Dude, come on over. I've got a great BBQ planned.

Icarus Captain: Kirk, you're in command.

George Kirk: Woohoo! Space babes here I come!

Icarus Captain: No nookie for you!

SCENE: The Icarus' captain flies over.

Nero (shows a hologram of Spock Prime): Know him?

Icarus Captain: No.

Nero: Damn, I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

SCENE: Nero kills the Captain, starts firing on the Icarus again, and George Kirk orders an immediate evacuation of all personnel from the ship. Including his very preggers wife.

Kirk's Wife: What am I ever doing here? I'm a civilian! THIS ISN'T NEXT GENERATION YET!

George Kirk: I wubs you, Honey.

Kirk's Wife: I wubs you too. It's a boy BTW.

George Kirk: Yays!

(he dies)

Audience: I wub the fact that this scene is pure schmaltz but it works.


SCENE: Young Spock endures taunting from the French, other Vulcan kids.

Young Spock: I have mommy issues.

(he beats the crap out of them)

Sarek: Not cool, son.

Young Spock: Sorry, I'm establishing I less emotional control that in the original series. Do we have time for a cameo from my pet sehlat?

Sarek: Sorry, no.


SCENE: A truck stop, IN THE FUTURE.

Kirk: Hey, Space Babe.

Uhura: That's Miss Space Babe to you. What's your deal?

Kirk: I have Daddy issues.

Pike: No shit. Join Starfleet and show me you've got some balls.

Kirk: Eh, maybe.


SCENE: He joins Starfleet. McCoy joins him on the shuttle up to the Academy.

McCoy: I hate shuttles.

Kirk: Isn't that supposed to be transporters?

McCoy: Yeah, but I don't use a transporter in this movie so I have to fear something else.


SCENE: Kirk screws with the Kobayashi Maru scenario, earning Spock's undying ire.

Spock: You suck, Kirk.

Kirk: You're just pissed because I can program computers too.

Pike: Fun as this is, we've got to bail before Kirk can be kicked out of the Academy. There's a another space-time thingie near Vulcan.


SCENE: Kirk sneaks aboard the Enterprise with McCoy's help.

Kirk: Dude, WTF happened to my hands?

McCoy: Okay, so not every attempt at comedy works in this movie. BTW Does this bug you (hits him with another hypospray shot). Does the bug you? (hits him again) Does this bug you? (hits him again)

Kirk: QUIT THAT!

Audience: That however, does work.


SCENE: The Enterprise warps out of dock.

Sulu: ...

I said, the Enterprise warps out of dock.

Sulu: I'm working on it!


SCENE: They warp out of dock. Kirk runs up to the bridge an explains why going to Vulcan is a Bad Idea.

Pike: Even though you look like a flaming loon right now, you're arguments actually make sense. Spock?

Spock: This is going to sound weird, but I agree with the arguments.

Kirk: I'm in shock. Kiss me, Spock.

Spock: Hell no.

Kirk: Okay. Kiss me, Uhura.

Uhura: Oh, hell no boy.


SCENE: Nero is busy sucking out the core of the planet while the Enterprise warps in and dodges tons o' space debris.

Pike: Now quit that!

Nero: Hello, Chris. (quote) You want me to stop, you have to come over and say hello.

Kirk: Bad, bad, bad idea.

Spock: I concur.

Kirk: Stop agreeing with me, you're freaking me out.

Pike: Duly noted both of you, but I've got to buy us some time. Kirk, Sulu, Ensign Redshirt, you're with me.

Redshirt: That's Jones, sir.

Pike: Let's not get too familiar, there's no point.


SCENE: Kirk, Sulu and Redshirt parajump from orbit to try and disable the drill. Redshirt dies because he's an idiot. Kirk and Sulu fight the bad guys hand to hand on the business end of the drill.

Sulu: I has a sword!

Female Audience Members: And yet you leave your shirt on.

George Takei: Sigh. Yeah.


SCENE: Spock beams down to save his parents. He's half successful.

Sarek: 50/50 isn't so bad.

Spock: Seriously?

Sarek: No, not really.


SCENE: Back on the bridge.

Spock: We're going to rendezvous with what's left of the fleet.

Kirk: Bad idea.

Spock: Stuff it.

Kirk: Whatcha gonna do, throw me off the ship?


SCENE: Spock throws Kirk off the ship. Fortunately, Spock Prime is there to save his ass after he lands.

Kirk: Aren't you supposed to just get a cameo.

Spock Prime: Actually I'm here to establish just how royally fucked the timeline is. [1]


SCENE: Meanwhile, back on Nero's ship.

Pike: What's your deal?

Nero: Kirk and Spock aren't the only ones with family issues. Now give me the defense codes for Earth.

Pike: No way, dude.

Nero: Allow me to introduce you to the Ceti Eel... er, Centuraian bug thingie.

Pike does a Shatner scream.


SCENE: They find Scotty.

Scotty: Hi there. I'm the lovable but completely cuckoo engineering dude.

Spock Prime: Great. Here's how you're going to beam yourself and Kirk back onto the Enterprise at warp.

Scotty: But now one knows how to do that yet.

Spock Prime: You figured it out.

Scotty: But.. huh?

Spock: Don't sweat it.

Scotty: 'kay.

Kirk: You coming with us?

Spock Prime: No, I've only been paid enough for an extended cameo. That and Bill keeps calling me to whine about his not getting a part for himself. You need to make yourself captain though. That's what's important.

Kirk: But you're captain of the Etnerprise right now.

Spock Prime: Just get Young Me to make an emotional response. You're good at that.

Kirk: But Vulcans have no emotions.

Spock Prime: I just saw my home be destroyed. Trust me, I'm having an emotional response. (quote!)


SCENE: Kirk and Scotty beam back to the Enterprise.

Spock: Dangit, and I was just going to get some hurt/comfort nookie from Uhura.

Kirk: You were gonna WHAT?

Uhura: I like a man with self-control. (smirks)

Spock: Anyway, what the heck are you doing back there?

Kirk: Well, it's complicated, but the practical upshot is that you never loved your mo----.

Spock proceeds to mop up the bridge with Kirk's face.

Sarek: Not cool, son!

Kirk: Guhhhh, that and since you just showed how emotionally screwed up you are right now, I get the captain's chair.

Spock: That is so completely... Aw, damn.

Kirk: Right! Sulu, set course for Earth.


SCENE: They catch up with Nero's ship. Kirk and Spock beam aboard and fight. Spock steals Spock Prime's ship while Kirk saves Captain Pike.

Kirk: Woah, woah! You mean my father figure in this movie doesn't die?

Pike: Go me!


SCENE: Spock rams Spock Prime's ship into Nero's. Everyone beams back safely.

Kirk: Nero, in keeping with the ideals of the Original Series, I offer you this chance to surrender.

Nero: Piss off!

Spock: Logic dictates that we ignore his emotional response and try to save him anyway.

Kirk: Seriously?

Spock: No, not really. Blow his ass to hell. [2]

BOOM!


SCENE: Kirk is back at the Academy being promoted to Captain. Pike congratulates him.

Kirk: Given today's medical technology, why are you in a wheelchair?

Pike: It's a shout out. Don't worry about it.


SCENE: Spock finally meets Spock Prime.

Spock: Torch officially passed?

Spock Prime: Yup.

Audience: And there are two Spocks in this universe at the same time. How cool is that?

Spock and Spock: Logic would state, "Very cool indeed."

THE END


[1] The Writer would like to take a moment to digress and applaud Abrams for actually having the balls to establish that this Star Trek isn't just a "re-imagining" like the new Battlestar Galactica was, but is in the same universe as Star Trek: TOS, just in a manner that takes advantage of the 40+ years of mucking with spacetime that has gone on in the original continuity.

[2] This one bit I disagree with strongly. Spock's (admittedly completely justified) desire to kill Nero was a needlessly vengeful note, especially given the guy was pretty much a goner at that point anyway.

Comments

[scarfman]

You probably skipped what I've posted about this while avoiding spoilers, but Nero did still need to be fired on at the end. His response to Kirk's offer of rescue made it clear that he was still a clear and present deadly danger to the Federation; and red matter-generated black holes, such as the one Nero's damaged but not destroyed ship was falling into, had been proven by Nero's very presence to be wormholes to the past and not the type of black hole that you don't come back out of. If the Enterprise hadn't opened fire on Nero as he fell into the black hole, Nero'd only have gone on to destroy the Federation in Jonathan Archer's time. Maybe Kirk and Spock did it with a little more relish than is in keeping with the values of the Federation, but remember they're about ten years younger here than when we met them.

[jvowles.livejournal.com]

Agree with your reasoning -- they had to put Nero down permanently -- but disagree that we know how this particular black hole will work. It doesn't require a threat to Capt Archer's time, but merely the possibility that he might somehow survive -- when Kirk, at least, knows that he has already screwed up one timeline -- is just too risky. Capture him, and they may get cool tech; destroy him, and they preserve as much as they can of the timeline.

[jvowles.livejournal.com]

Spock has just learned that just as "do not lie" does NOT require you to always be utterly truthful, logic can occasionally bugger off.

And actually, instinct here is precisely correct. Any attempt to save him needlessly puts others at risk, and increases the likelihood that something worse could happen to the time-space continuum.

IE, the bastard that killed my mother and all but a small town's worth of my entire culture does NOT get a chance at killing the remaining refugees.

[drhoz.livejournal.com]

heeheehee

[anjelstar76.livejournal.com]

That ... was an AWESOME synopsis of what took place in the movie. Two thumbs up for you! :O))

[selenite.livejournal.com]

Finally saw the movie, going back through my bookmarked spoilers. This was hysterical! :D