Fic: Top Gear Terinu
Apr. 15th, 2010 08:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeriendhalJust playing funny buggers with my favorite car show and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chaypeta's webcomic Terinu
SCENE: Ship’s lounge. Rufus is sitting on the couch with a bag of microwave popcorn in front of the telly looking excited. Leeza walks in looking curious.
Leeza: What’s got you going, Rufus?
Rufus: Oh, they’re finally showing the Top Gear episode I’ve been waiting for. The one they wanted to borrow the White Knight for.
Leeza: The White Knight? I thought it was a car show.
Rufus: I gather they wanted to feature another aircraft and the government had banned the British military from appearing again after the whole Royal Marines Beach Landing in a Ford Fiesta incident. Anyway hush, it’s starting.
Top Gear opening credits roll over Jeremy Clarkson’s narration.
Jeremy: Tonight on Top Gear: We all buy really cheap cars and do stupid things in them, I review a really expensive car that only an Arab oil sheik could afford, we make fun of James’ obsessive compulsive disorder, stick a semi-celebrity in our Reasonably Priced Car and then we try and finally kill Hammond once and for all.
Cut to the studio
Jeremy (cont.): But first, we’ve got something a little different tonight. We’re reviewing a spacecraft.
Hammond: I thought that the Reliant Robin shuttle was smashed?
Jeremy: No, we’ve something better. From five hundred years in the future it’s the Swift Winged!
Cut to the White Knight sitting on the tarmac at the Top Gear test track, the camera making slow, half-blue lens filtered love to its curves.
Jeremy (narrating): Yes it’s the Swift Winged. Built over fifty years ago, it’s capable of accelerating up to three thousand meters per second with twin Sharp Fang laser cannons and up to six space to space missiles for defense, and travels over two parsecs a day on its superluminal drive. The hero of the Second Ardactavian Incursion, it provided fighter cover for the GSA fleet and this particular model is still used to escort freighters through pirate infested territory. It’s a classic of military design and a sheer beauty to fly. Or at least we’d like to think so.
Rufus: “Like to think so.” What’s that suppose to mean?
Cut to Jeremy out on the tarmac standing beside the White Knight.
Jeremy: You see, the problem is that we can’t actually see how it flies ourselves, because it was built for vulpines, who are all about Hammond’s height (holds his palm out to the level of his waist) and the only one of us who’s actually qualified to fly anything is, well, James.
Jump cut to James May sitting the White Knight’s cockpit. The windscreen comes down and bounces off his head.
James: Ow!
Back to Jeremy, Hammond now standing beside him in a spacesuit with his helmet under his arm.
Hammond: So it was agreed that I’d fly in the back seat, and we’d get someone else to pilot.
Jeremy: But not just any pilot!
Hammond: Some say that his ears can pick up Lady Gaga videos on the Ultranet.
Jeremy: And that his digestive tract is made of space age titanium. All we know is, he’s the Stig’s Vulpine cousin!
Vulpine Stig, in the requisite gleaming white spacesuit and blue mirrored helmet, walks out of a little geodesic dome hut, marching across the tarmac to the White Knight and climbing aboard, where Hammond is already sitting in the back seat.
Hammond (shouting over the engines starting up): All right. Since obviously our standard test track wasn’t exactly laid out for space fighters, what we’ve going to do is take her up to Earth orbit and then do a loop around the moon and head back. But first we have to take…ooofff… OH MY GOD!
Vulpine Stig does a “military” style takeoff, ie: going to full power and then standing the White Knight on its tail as soon wheels leave the tarmac, leaving Hammond screaming incoherently.
Hammond: All right, we’re in Earth orbit, so that took about oh, twenty seconds. There goes the International Space Station. And now we’re about forty seconds along and outside the Earth’s own gravitational field.
Exterior view as the White Knight flies along.
Hammond (cont.): I suppose I should comment on the interior. It’s a space fighter, so it’s not exactly roomy even for me. No luxuries to speak of either. No stereo. No air conditioning. Does have power windows, but as you saw with James you have to be rather careful with that. It is, however, definitely faster than a Bugatti Veyron, or in fact anything else on the planet. And there goes the moon…
The White Knight buzzes the Tranquility landing site, knocking over the American flag with the ventral wing.
Hammond: Sorry! Sorry. I hope NASA didn’t see that.
SCENE: Cut back to Jeremy standing on the tarmac, several vehicles sitting behind him.
Jeremy: While Hammond checks out the Swift Winged’s speed and maneuverability, we’ve set out a little weapons test for it, with targets ranging from a caravan, to an Austin Allegro, a caravan, a bendy bus, a caravan, and of course a Morris Marina.
A piano falls on the Marina
Jeremy: Forget that last one, we’ll just put in another caravan.
The Top Gear crew wheels in Hammond’s beloved Opel Kadet “Oliver”.
Jeremy: Or maaaaaybe we’ll make it a precision firing test.
SCENE: Back aboard the White Knight as it barrels down into the atmosphere. Cue tense soundtrack as Hammond argues into his mic.
Hammond: What d’ mean they parked Oliver in the middle?! (raps on Vulpine Stig’s helmet) Oi! Pull up! Pull up!
Stig ignores him. POV through the White Knight’s targeting HUD as it locks onto Oliver.
Hammond: Oliver! Nooooooo!
Cannon fire rains down. Oliver disappears in a cloud of exploding caravan bits. The White Knight flies overhead, blowing away the smoke to reveal Oliver completely unscathed as a burning bendy bus carriage drops to the ground behind it. Cue 688 Squadron theme as the White Knight flies off into the sunset.
Leeza: Nice shooting.
Rufus (looking chuffed): They had the benefit of a superior fighter.
SCENE: Back in the studio, with the White Knight parked in the middle.
Jeremy: Marvelous flying!
Hammond: Yes, and thanks to you, Oliver and I are going to be in therapy for years.
James: So what do you think of it?
Hammond: Well, it's... Well, it’s rubbish, really.
Rufus: What?
Leeza: Steady on, Ru.
Jeremy: I thought you liked it?
Hammond: I do, I do, but just look at the thing. (Grabs the wingtip and starts yanking it up and down.) It flaps like a bloody bird! And they're made to fold together like an accordion, so that's not exactly safe.
Rufus (growling): They're supposed to flex so they don't snap during atmospheric maneuvering. And the wings are retractable to save space!
Lee: Rufus, your blood pressure...
Hammond: And look at the interior. Seat cushions are plastic. Wiring's hanging out everywhere under the dash. And you're supposed to be able to fly it between planets but you wouldn't really want to, because there aren't rest stops along the way, so you have to use that... um... tube in your spacesuit for taking a wee. I don't even think about Number Two.
Jeremy (munching a food cube): Why not?
Hammond (looking appalled): You didn't get that from the little compartment marked “Emergency Rations,” did you?
Jeremy: Er, yes?
Hammond: They didn't tell you about the recycling... (shuts up, then smiles with patently false cheer) Never mind! Now it's time to put a star in our Reasonably Priced Car...
SCENE: Ship's lounge. Rufus has just clicked off the telly, his ears nearly smoking in rage.
Leeza (looking worried): Ru, it's just a program on the telly...
Rufus: They insulted my ship!
Leeza: It's not even a real car review show. It's all shits and giggles.
Rufus: MY SHIP!
Leeza: If it's any consolation, in they've all been dead for five hundred years in our timeline...
Rufus: And I want to know what bloody Vulpine they got to fly her! Knowing that that they were going to be playing funny buggers with the filming! I shall have words with them! I shall shout at them! I... they're standing right behind me, aren't they?
Turns around on the couch to see Vulpine Stig standing behind them. She takes off her helmet to reveal Melika.
Melika: You said something about shouting?
Rufus: Never mind.
Leeza: And on that bombshell: Good night!
chaypeta's webcomic TerinuSCENE: Ship’s lounge. Rufus is sitting on the couch with a bag of microwave popcorn in front of the telly looking excited. Leeza walks in looking curious.
Leeza: What’s got you going, Rufus?
Rufus: Oh, they’re finally showing the Top Gear episode I’ve been waiting for. The one they wanted to borrow the White Knight for.
Leeza: The White Knight? I thought it was a car show.
Rufus: I gather they wanted to feature another aircraft and the government had banned the British military from appearing again after the whole Royal Marines Beach Landing in a Ford Fiesta incident. Anyway hush, it’s starting.
Top Gear opening credits roll over Jeremy Clarkson’s narration.
Jeremy: Tonight on Top Gear: We all buy really cheap cars and do stupid things in them, I review a really expensive car that only an Arab oil sheik could afford, we make fun of James’ obsessive compulsive disorder, stick a semi-celebrity in our Reasonably Priced Car and then we try and finally kill Hammond once and for all.
Cut to the studio
Jeremy (cont.): But first, we’ve got something a little different tonight. We’re reviewing a spacecraft.
Hammond: I thought that the Reliant Robin shuttle was smashed?
Jeremy: No, we’ve something better. From five hundred years in the future it’s the Swift Winged!
Cut to the White Knight sitting on the tarmac at the Top Gear test track, the camera making slow, half-blue lens filtered love to its curves.
Jeremy (narrating): Yes it’s the Swift Winged. Built over fifty years ago, it’s capable of accelerating up to three thousand meters per second with twin Sharp Fang laser cannons and up to six space to space missiles for defense, and travels over two parsecs a day on its superluminal drive. The hero of the Second Ardactavian Incursion, it provided fighter cover for the GSA fleet and this particular model is still used to escort freighters through pirate infested territory. It’s a classic of military design and a sheer beauty to fly. Or at least we’d like to think so.
Rufus: “Like to think so.” What’s that suppose to mean?
Cut to Jeremy out on the tarmac standing beside the White Knight.
Jeremy: You see, the problem is that we can’t actually see how it flies ourselves, because it was built for vulpines, who are all about Hammond’s height (holds his palm out to the level of his waist) and the only one of us who’s actually qualified to fly anything is, well, James.
Jump cut to James May sitting the White Knight’s cockpit. The windscreen comes down and bounces off his head.
James: Ow!
Back to Jeremy, Hammond now standing beside him in a spacesuit with his helmet under his arm.
Hammond: So it was agreed that I’d fly in the back seat, and we’d get someone else to pilot.
Jeremy: But not just any pilot!
Hammond: Some say that his ears can pick up Lady Gaga videos on the Ultranet.
Jeremy: And that his digestive tract is made of space age titanium. All we know is, he’s the Stig’s Vulpine cousin!
Vulpine Stig, in the requisite gleaming white spacesuit and blue mirrored helmet, walks out of a little geodesic dome hut, marching across the tarmac to the White Knight and climbing aboard, where Hammond is already sitting in the back seat.
Hammond (shouting over the engines starting up): All right. Since obviously our standard test track wasn’t exactly laid out for space fighters, what we’ve going to do is take her up to Earth orbit and then do a loop around the moon and head back. But first we have to take…ooofff… OH MY GOD!
Vulpine Stig does a “military” style takeoff, ie: going to full power and then standing the White Knight on its tail as soon wheels leave the tarmac, leaving Hammond screaming incoherently.
Hammond: All right, we’re in Earth orbit, so that took about oh, twenty seconds. There goes the International Space Station. And now we’re about forty seconds along and outside the Earth’s own gravitational field.
Exterior view as the White Knight flies along.
Hammond (cont.): I suppose I should comment on the interior. It’s a space fighter, so it’s not exactly roomy even for me. No luxuries to speak of either. No stereo. No air conditioning. Does have power windows, but as you saw with James you have to be rather careful with that. It is, however, definitely faster than a Bugatti Veyron, or in fact anything else on the planet. And there goes the moon…
The White Knight buzzes the Tranquility landing site, knocking over the American flag with the ventral wing.
Hammond: Sorry! Sorry. I hope NASA didn’t see that.
SCENE: Cut back to Jeremy standing on the tarmac, several vehicles sitting behind him.
Jeremy: While Hammond checks out the Swift Winged’s speed and maneuverability, we’ve set out a little weapons test for it, with targets ranging from a caravan, to an Austin Allegro, a caravan, a bendy bus, a caravan, and of course a Morris Marina.
A piano falls on the Marina
Jeremy: Forget that last one, we’ll just put in another caravan.
The Top Gear crew wheels in Hammond’s beloved Opel Kadet “Oliver”.
Jeremy: Or maaaaaybe we’ll make it a precision firing test.
SCENE: Back aboard the White Knight as it barrels down into the atmosphere. Cue tense soundtrack as Hammond argues into his mic.
Hammond: What d’ mean they parked Oliver in the middle?! (raps on Vulpine Stig’s helmet) Oi! Pull up! Pull up!
Stig ignores him. POV through the White Knight’s targeting HUD as it locks onto Oliver.
Hammond: Oliver! Nooooooo!
Cannon fire rains down. Oliver disappears in a cloud of exploding caravan bits. The White Knight flies overhead, blowing away the smoke to reveal Oliver completely unscathed as a burning bendy bus carriage drops to the ground behind it. Cue 688 Squadron theme as the White Knight flies off into the sunset.
Leeza: Nice shooting.
Rufus (looking chuffed): They had the benefit of a superior fighter.
SCENE: Back in the studio, with the White Knight parked in the middle.
Jeremy: Marvelous flying!
Hammond: Yes, and thanks to you, Oliver and I are going to be in therapy for years.
James: So what do you think of it?
Hammond: Well, it's... Well, it’s rubbish, really.
Rufus: What?
Leeza: Steady on, Ru.
Jeremy: I thought you liked it?
Hammond: I do, I do, but just look at the thing. (Grabs the wingtip and starts yanking it up and down.) It flaps like a bloody bird! And they're made to fold together like an accordion, so that's not exactly safe.
Rufus (growling): They're supposed to flex so they don't snap during atmospheric maneuvering. And the wings are retractable to save space!
Lee: Rufus, your blood pressure...
Hammond: And look at the interior. Seat cushions are plastic. Wiring's hanging out everywhere under the dash. And you're supposed to be able to fly it between planets but you wouldn't really want to, because there aren't rest stops along the way, so you have to use that... um... tube in your spacesuit for taking a wee. I don't even think about Number Two.
Jeremy (munching a food cube): Why not?
Hammond (looking appalled): You didn't get that from the little compartment marked “Emergency Rations,” did you?
Jeremy: Er, yes?
Hammond: They didn't tell you about the recycling... (shuts up, then smiles with patently false cheer) Never mind! Now it's time to put a star in our Reasonably Priced Car...
SCENE: Ship's lounge. Rufus has just clicked off the telly, his ears nearly smoking in rage.
Leeza (looking worried): Ru, it's just a program on the telly...
Rufus: They insulted my ship!
Leeza: It's not even a real car review show. It's all shits and giggles.
Rufus: MY SHIP!
Leeza: If it's any consolation, in they've all been dead for five hundred years in our timeline...
Rufus: And I want to know what bloody Vulpine they got to fly her! Knowing that that they were going to be playing funny buggers with the filming! I shall have words with them! I shall shout at them! I... they're standing right behind me, aren't they?
Turns around on the couch to see Vulpine Stig standing behind them. She takes off her helmet to reveal Melika.
Melika: You said something about shouting?
Rufus: Never mind.
Leeza: And on that bombshell: Good night!
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no subject
Date: 2010-04-16 09:35 am (UTC)mjkj