Five-Minute Toy Story Three (spoilers)
Jun. 26th, 2010 01:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeriendhalJust got back from a sensory friendly (house lights were up, no 3-D, no THX) showing at our local theater for autistic kids. Suffice it to say it was equal or better than the first two movies combined.
Scene: We open with the greatest action sequence of the entire summer. Unfortunately it's all in Little Andy's head. And after that we get College Age Andy who isn't really into his toys anymore.
Woody: Okay guys, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Buzz: What's the good news?
Woody: We got a third movie with most of the original voice actors (God bless you Jim Varney, wherever you are now) and it doesn't suck.
Jesse: And the bad news?
Woody: They're taking the premise from the first two movies to its logical conclusion.
Ham: So we're screwed.
Woody: No, we're going to the attic. Attics are fun, right? Storage is a nice vacation, right? Huh, guys? You with me?
Jesse: Do you happen to remember my backstory from the second movie, Woody?
Woody: Uh, yeah. Look, I'm terminally optimistic, okay? This is Andy we're talking about. And what's ten or fifteen years in storage while he goes through college... and gets married... and has kids... and we all start suffering from plastic corrosion. Oh, god, we're so screwed...
Sarge: Damn straight. We're outta here boys (He and the last army men parachute to safety).
Scene: Andy almost puts everyone but Woody into the attic for storage, but through an accident everyone thinks they're being thrown out.
Buzz: Attic. Riiiiiight.
Woody: No, seriously, you were going there! Guys, ya gotta believe me!
Ham: Sorry Woody, but we're terminally incapable of listening to logic and past experience when it might jam a gear into the plot.
Jesse: Into the donation box guys!
Scene: They're taken to Sunnyside Daycare, the Happiest Place on Earth ™. At least at first...
Ham: Hey Ned Beatty, what's with all the Cool Hand Luke references?
Lotso: Chicken Run still has a lock on The Great Escape and Stalag 17 gags.
Ham: Gotcha.
Scene: Woody spends some quality time with Bonnie, Mercurian of Children, Word of Creative Play [1] and gets Lotso's tragic backstory from her toys.
Woody: Which all means exactly squat given he still turns out to be an asshole in the end.
Scene: Woody sneaks back to Sunnyside,the Most Hellish Place on Earth, and gets the escape plan going.
Woody: Now you guys listen to me. Whenever you guys need an actual plan, you decide to frigging listen to me.
Buzz: All right, all right! Or rather ¡Todo a la derecha! ¡Todo a la derecha!
Scene:The Great Escape from Alcatraz.
Mr. Potato/Soft Taco/Zucchini Head: May I go on record as stating that my sequence, especially the bit with the pigeon, is probably one of the most disturbing gags Pixar has ever done?
Ken: Worse than me being tied up by Barbie and tortured?
Mr. Potato Head: Okay, you got me there.
Scene: Big Baby does his imitation of Darth Vader at the end of RotJ and tosses Lotso into the dumpster. Then things go very wrong.
Woody: So, that's what Mordor looks like with a decade's improvement of CGI.
Buzz: Yep.
Jessie: And we're all the One Ring. Great.
LGM: THE CLAW CHOOSES!
Scene: Everyone is pulled to safety. Meanwhile Lotso gets to spend the rest of his likely short life with Sid. [2]
Jesse: Attic time sounds pretty good now.
Woody: I got something even better.
Scene: Andy gives his toys to little Bonnie, in a scene that had most of the adults in the theater sniffling.
Woody: And best of all we've got about a ten year window for Toy Story 4!
The End
[1] In Nomine RPG reference, kiddies.
[2] Who's original voice actor is twenty-six years old now, has a part that mostly consists of mumbling along to music lyrics, but Pixar got him just because.
Scene: We open with the greatest action sequence of the entire summer. Unfortunately it's all in Little Andy's head. And after that we get College Age Andy who isn't really into his toys anymore.
Woody: Okay guys, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Buzz: What's the good news?
Woody: We got a third movie with most of the original voice actors (God bless you Jim Varney, wherever you are now) and it doesn't suck.
Jesse: And the bad news?
Woody: They're taking the premise from the first two movies to its logical conclusion.
Ham: So we're screwed.
Woody: No, we're going to the attic. Attics are fun, right? Storage is a nice vacation, right? Huh, guys? You with me?
Jesse: Do you happen to remember my backstory from the second movie, Woody?
Woody: Uh, yeah. Look, I'm terminally optimistic, okay? This is Andy we're talking about. And what's ten or fifteen years in storage while he goes through college... and gets married... and has kids... and we all start suffering from plastic corrosion. Oh, god, we're so screwed...
Sarge: Damn straight. We're outta here boys (He and the last army men parachute to safety).
Scene: Andy almost puts everyone but Woody into the attic for storage, but through an accident everyone thinks they're being thrown out.
Buzz: Attic. Riiiiiight.
Woody: No, seriously, you were going there! Guys, ya gotta believe me!
Ham: Sorry Woody, but we're terminally incapable of listening to logic and past experience when it might jam a gear into the plot.
Jesse: Into the donation box guys!
Scene: They're taken to Sunnyside Daycare, the Happiest Place on Earth ™. At least at first...
Ham: Hey Ned Beatty, what's with all the Cool Hand Luke references?
Lotso: Chicken Run still has a lock on The Great Escape and Stalag 17 gags.
Ham: Gotcha.
Scene: Woody spends some quality time with Bonnie, Mercurian of Children, Word of Creative Play [1] and gets Lotso's tragic backstory from her toys.
Woody: Which all means exactly squat given he still turns out to be an asshole in the end.
Scene: Woody sneaks back to Sunnyside,
Woody: Now you guys listen to me. Whenever you guys need an actual plan, you decide to frigging listen to me.
Buzz: All right, all right! Or rather ¡Todo a la derecha! ¡Todo a la derecha!
Scene:
Mr. Potato/Soft Taco/Zucchini Head: May I go on record as stating that my sequence, especially the bit with the pigeon, is probably one of the most disturbing gags Pixar has ever done?
Ken: Worse than me being tied up by Barbie and tortured?
Mr. Potato Head: Okay, you got me there.
Scene: Big Baby does his imitation of Darth Vader at the end of RotJ and tosses Lotso into the dumpster. Then things go very wrong.
Woody: So, that's what Mordor looks like with a decade's improvement of CGI.
Buzz: Yep.
Jessie: And we're all the One Ring. Great.
LGM: THE CLAW CHOOSES!
Scene: Everyone is pulled to safety. Meanwhile Lotso gets to spend the rest of his likely short life with Sid. [2]
Jesse: Attic time sounds pretty good now.
Woody: I got something even better.
Scene: Andy gives his toys to little Bonnie, in a scene that had most of the adults in the theater sniffling.
Woody: And best of all we've got about a ten year window for Toy Story 4!
The End
[1] In Nomine RPG reference, kiddies.
[2] Who's original voice actor is twenty-six years old now, has a part that mostly consists of mumbling along to music lyrics, but Pixar got him just because.
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Date: 2010-07-04 12:32 am (UTC)