Fic: Bruce vs Tony
Sep. 7th, 2012 04:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeriendhalNo, the other Bruce.
And I blame![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
beccaelizabeth for this entirely.
Scene: A dark lonely rooftop in Crossoverville. A cowled man hunches over the edge, watching the street below. At least until another fellow in bright red and gold powered armor lands next to him…
Tony: Hi! Is this roof taken?
Bruce: Yes.
Tony: Thanks, I just need to adjust my repulsors here. Won't take a minute.
He kneels down and starts fiddling with his flight boots. Bruce tries to ignore him.
Tony: So anyway, I'm Tony. Who's the man under the cowl there?
Bruce: I'm Batman.
Tony: I know that. Who are you really?
JARVIS: He's Bruce Wayne, sir.
Bruce: What?!
Tony: JARVIS, what have I told you about remote scanning other people's credit cards?
JARVIS: Not to do it unless it's someone really interesting.
Tony: Exactly. You don't get much duller than broody guys in black on rooftops.
Bruce: So now you know my secret.
Tony: Not much of a secret. Seriously, I saw the Tumbler at a WayneTech trade show five years back. All you did to disguise it was paint it black. What's the point anyway?
Bruce: Those around me could get hurt if my secret is known.
Tony: Like who? You don't have a steady girlfriend, Your Parents Are Dead, you don't even have a Robin in this continuity. All you've got is a butler who can take care of himself, thanks. And anyway you're freaking billionaire. Haven't you ever heard of bodyguards?
Bruce: They'd get in the way.
Tony: Of what? This freaky masochistic war on crime you're waging? I mean your enemies in your movies have been a terrorist group, a nihilist whose plans break down the moment anyone actually acts like a human being instead of a self-interested jerk, and a Mexican wrestler with asthma. You ever consider, I dunno, investing in the town a little? Move some factories back in, open up a park, give some kids scholarships, be a Big Brother?
Bruce: Go. Away.
Tony: I'm just saying that Gotham actually has a police force, and Jim Gordon is a pretty straight arrow. If they're all as corrupt as the comics portray or are as useless as they appear in your movies, the FBI would have come in to investigate years ago.
Bruce: You don't know what kind of pain drives me.
Tony: (sighs and rubs his forehead) Look, I'm an emotionally stunted man-child who was raised by a distant father and who's parent were probably murdered by my business partner before he stabbed me in the back and the only reason I'm alive is because I've got an arc reactor stuck in my chest. My teammates include a guy who breaks buildings when he loses self-control, a super soldier who's a man out of time and who's friends all died of old age (except maybe Peggy and I sure hope she shows up in Winter Soldier), a pair secret agents with blood on their hands and a big blond puppy dog. You don't see any of us brooding for ten years in an empty mansion do you?
Bruce: Are you done yet?
Tony: Hey, in the comics continuity you've at least got the Bat Family. You need a reason to get out of the house that doesn't involve indulging in a serious rubber fetish. (Pause) Unless you're really into that.
Bruce: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
Tony: Screw "dignity" or trying to pretend your movies are Serious Art instead of what they are, which are stories based on eighty years of mostly goofy comics continuity. C'mon man, head over to my place and relax a bit. We're gonna play some Munchkin and then have a Rock Band tournament.
Bruce: No.
Tony: (Shrugs) Your loss man. See ya next ComicCon.
He zooms off, leaving Bruce alone.
Bruce: (Mutters) What I'm doing here is serious.
A man in a green suit climbs up from the fire escape.
Man: Riddle me this, Batman!
Bruce: Shut the @#$% up!
And I blame
beccaelizabeth for this entirely.Scene: A dark lonely rooftop in Crossoverville. A cowled man hunches over the edge, watching the street below. At least until another fellow in bright red and gold powered armor lands next to him…
Tony: Hi! Is this roof taken?
Bruce: Yes.
Tony: Thanks, I just need to adjust my repulsors here. Won't take a minute.
He kneels down and starts fiddling with his flight boots. Bruce tries to ignore him.
Tony: So anyway, I'm Tony. Who's the man under the cowl there?
Bruce: I'm Batman.
Tony: I know that. Who are you really?
JARVIS: He's Bruce Wayne, sir.
Bruce: What?!
Tony: JARVIS, what have I told you about remote scanning other people's credit cards?
JARVIS: Not to do it unless it's someone really interesting.
Tony: Exactly. You don't get much duller than broody guys in black on rooftops.
Bruce: So now you know my secret.
Tony: Not much of a secret. Seriously, I saw the Tumbler at a WayneTech trade show five years back. All you did to disguise it was paint it black. What's the point anyway?
Bruce: Those around me could get hurt if my secret is known.
Tony: Like who? You don't have a steady girlfriend, Your Parents Are Dead, you don't even have a Robin in this continuity. All you've got is a butler who can take care of himself, thanks. And anyway you're freaking billionaire. Haven't you ever heard of bodyguards?
Bruce: They'd get in the way.
Tony: Of what? This freaky masochistic war on crime you're waging? I mean your enemies in your movies have been a terrorist group, a nihilist whose plans break down the moment anyone actually acts like a human being instead of a self-interested jerk, and a Mexican wrestler with asthma. You ever consider, I dunno, investing in the town a little? Move some factories back in, open up a park, give some kids scholarships, be a Big Brother?
Bruce: Go. Away.
Tony: I'm just saying that Gotham actually has a police force, and Jim Gordon is a pretty straight arrow. If they're all as corrupt as the comics portray or are as useless as they appear in your movies, the FBI would have come in to investigate years ago.
Bruce: You don't know what kind of pain drives me.
Tony: (sighs and rubs his forehead) Look, I'm an emotionally stunted man-child who was raised by a distant father and who's parent were probably murdered by my business partner before he stabbed me in the back and the only reason I'm alive is because I've got an arc reactor stuck in my chest. My teammates include a guy who breaks buildings when he loses self-control, a super soldier who's a man out of time and who's friends all died of old age (except maybe Peggy and I sure hope she shows up in Winter Soldier), a pair secret agents with blood on their hands and a big blond puppy dog. You don't see any of us brooding for ten years in an empty mansion do you?
Bruce: Are you done yet?
Tony: Hey, in the comics continuity you've at least got the Bat Family. You need a reason to get out of the house that doesn't involve indulging in a serious rubber fetish. (Pause) Unless you're really into that.
Bruce: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
Tony: Screw "dignity" or trying to pretend your movies are Serious Art instead of what they are, which are stories based on eighty years of mostly goofy comics continuity. C'mon man, head over to my place and relax a bit. We're gonna play some Munchkin and then have a Rock Band tournament.
Bruce: No.
Tony: (Shrugs) Your loss man. See ya next ComicCon.
He zooms off, leaving Bruce alone.
Bruce: (Mutters) What I'm doing here is serious.
A man in a green suit climbs up from the fire escape.
Man: Riddle me this, Batman!
Bruce: Shut the @#$% up!
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