SCENE: A small desert village in no way resembling Mei Lai at all.
Max von Sydow: Here's a plot Macguffin to carry around through the movie. (hands him a USB drive)
Poe: I can't believe they got you for a ten minute cameo.
Sydow: At least I'm going to die with more dignity than Christopher Lee.
SCENE: The Emp... ahem, the New Order lands in the village, including Emo Sith and the World's Worst Stormtrooper. Poe is captured. His loyal droid Beach Ball-1 runs away with the plans for the Dea... AHEM, Luke's mailing address.
Kylo Ren: Kill 'em all.
Finn fails to kill anything.
Captain Phasma: What do you call a Stormtrooper who doesn't hit anything?
Finn: Um, kickin' it Old School?
SCENE: Kylo tortures Poe.
Poe: I won't talk!
Thirty Seconds Later:
Kylo: He talked.
Lt. Flunky: Good going, sir.
Kylo: Thanks. Send troopers down to find Beach Ball and try not to let them trip over any Bantha Pudu.
Lt. Flunky: Don't worry, the Holiday Special tapes are on the other side of the planet.
SCENE: Finn helps Poe escape and start a fine bromance in a two-seater TIE fighter.
Audience: He's wearing Poe's jacket. That makes any Finn/Poe stories Canon! Canon we say!
Haters: He's a black Stormtrooper. There are no black Stormtroopers!
Finn: Yeah, well this black Stormtrooper sez different. And I can shoot straight when I want to so STFU!
SCENE: Back on Not Tatooine, we're introduced to Rey, who's life sucks.
Rey: Seriously. At least Anakin and Luke had loving parents/guardians and a decent roof over their heads.
SCENE: Rey rescues BB-1 and beats... er, meets Finn.
Finn: Given the number of times I get the crap beaten out of me in this movie, it doesn't make me look like much of hero.
Rey: Don't be so hard on yourself, you're a Stormtrooper who survives to the end of the film. That's friggin' epic.
SCENE: The new order bombs the crap out of Rey's even crappier village. Finn, Rey, and Beach Ball steal the only ship available, which just happens to be the Millennium Falcon.
Audience: Epic flying is Epic. Also totally not crying over seeing the Falcon again.
Haters: But she's a gurl who's never flown in space before.
Luke: (dopeslap) And who blew up the Death Star the first time he went up in a space fighter?
Haters: But she' a g--, ack!
Luke: (force chokes).
SCENE: Emo Sith is Emo.
Kylo: Hey, lots of people angst about whether they're evil enough to their dead grandpa's helmet!
SCENE: Han and Chewie pull Rey and Co. over.
Rey: So you found the ship you'd been looking thirty years for just after we steal it?
Han: Don't worry, they'll explain it in the tie-in novels.
SCENE: One unnecessary CGI action sequence later, they all end up at Short Guinan's bar.
Rey: I didn't think there was this much green in the galaxy. (QUOTE!)
(Editorial: And little Sensawunda character bits like that is what separates Star Wars from your average Stuff Blowing Up CGI fest).
SCENE: Rey touches Vader/Luke's saber. Visions Occur.
Rey: Eww! Do not want!
Short Guinan: Take it anyway.
Rey: No! (runs away)
Short Guinan: Okay, Finn. You take it.
SCENE: The New Order shows up and tears the bar down. Chewie is wounded, Rey is captured, Finn has a totally cool lightsaber/tonfa fight with a random Stormtrooper.
Finn: And I get my ass kicked again.
Han: Quit whining, Junior and patch up the Wookie.
(Chewie proves to be a very poor patient.)
Finn: Please don't kill me while I'm trying to help you.
SCENE: Kylo tortures Rey.
Kylo: Give the coordinates to the Rebel B..... er, Luke Skywalker.
Rey: Take off that mask first.
Kylo: What are you laughing at? Why are you laughing?!
Rey: Bwahahahahaha! You're the Evil Sith Lord of this movie? Seriously?
Kylo: Quit laughing! I am totally a Sith Lord!
Rey: You look like a backup singer for The Cure! How much time do you spend feathering your hair?
Kylo: Shut up! Just shut up! You're as bad as my Uncle Chewie! “Son, I don't use as much hair care products as you do! Why can't you learn to use a bowcaster like a real man instead of that ridiculous over sized lightsaber ?” I am totally EPICALLY EVIL!
Rey: (Sniggers her way through the rest of the torture.)
Scene: Han and Co. land at the Reb.... Resistance Base.
Finn: Why is even called The Resistance? Wouldn't the legitimate government of the Republic WANT to keep the remains of the Empire from attacking them?
General Organa (formerly Princess Leia): It's in the tie-in novel.
Han: Hi, Honey. No hard feelings for me wandering off?
Organa: Sigh, I'm used it.
(C3PO butts in to totally kill the moment)
Han: And he's still alive because...?
Organa: The fans wanted to see him. Also, who do you think ripped his original arm off?
Han: I dunno. I haven't read the tie-in novel yet.
Haters: Boy, Carrie Fisher sure got ol-, HURK!
Organa: (force chokes). I aged as much as Harrison Ford, dipweed, and that was done snorting a lot more recreational and prescription chemicals, so at this point A) Nothing else can possibly kill me, and B) I Am Not Putting Up With Your Shit. Clear?
Haters: Whimpers. Yes, ma'am...
SCENE: Rey, who can't possibly be related to Luke because even Emo Jedi wouldn't be stupid enough to leave her alone on a crappy desert planet, mind controls Stormtrooper JB 007 to escape her cell.
(Seriously, that was David Craig under that suit. Geek.)
Rey: Unchain me from this chair.
JB 007: 'kay.
Rey: And leave the cell door open.
JB 007: 'kay.
Rey: Oh, yeah, and drop your gun.
JB 007: 'kay.
Rey: And write down your phone number.
JB 007: It's the future, we don't have paper.
Kylo: Crap. I would have caught her first if I hadn't stopped to buff my helmet. And by “buffing my helmet” I mean...
Kylo: Being even more emo.
SCENE: Finn totally lies to get on the team to rescue Rey and blow up the Not A Death Star.
(But first, hugs!)
Poe: Totally a Bro Hug.
Finn: Yeah, totally.
Audience: You're both lying, aren't you?
Audience: We knew the “cute boyfriend” line couldn't be a slip....
SCENE: Han, Chewie and Finn land on Not A Death Star to blow up the shield generators.
Han: Seriously, how many refs to the Original Trilogy are we going to stick in here? The only thing you haven't done is kill Rey's mentor fig... Aww, shit.
SCENE: They run into Rey, capture Captain Phabulous, and then things go south....
Han: Ben, your mom and I are kinda disappointed in you.
Kylo: Geez, I'm sorry, Dad.
(He kills Han. Rey and Finn scream “No!” Chewie's reaction is.... predictable.)
Chewie: I changed your diapers, you Emo little shit! Uncle Chewie is very ANGRY with you!
(He shoots Kylo in the side, justifying Rey and Finn not getting their heads cut off for the next fight scene.)
SCENE: Poe and Black Squadron take out the Exhaust Port. Rey and Finn fight with Kylo. Finn gets his ass handed to him again. Chewie disappears to set up the rescue at the end.
Kylo: I am totally a Dark Sith L... Um, Rey, you look a scary there.
Rey: Dark Side this, jackass!
(she leaves him with a nice Emo scar over his face before the planet breaks apart, separating them. Then Chewie comes to the rescue.)
Peter Mayhew: I'm 71 years old and wearing fifty pounds of yak hair, and it's totally worth it.
SCENE: Everyone gets back to the Resistance Base and cheers. Except Organa.
Organa: It would have been worth it if we could have found the rest of the....
(R2D2 wakes up and provides the rest of the map)
Organa: R2, you trolling little shit.
SCENE: Rey, Chewie and R2 fly to Planet Irish Coast to find Luke. She holds his dad's lightsaber out for him to take.
Mark Hamill: And I get paid a half million bucks to look soulfully into the camera. I love Hollywood economics!