jeriendhal | Entries tagged with music

(Man pulls out his phone and dials a number)

Operator: "You've reached the Is it Racist? Hotline. I'm Myesha. How can I help you today?"

Man: "I'm a big fan of 'Hooked on a Feeling.' Is it racist?"

Operator: "With or without the 'ooga-chaka,' sir?"

Man (reluctantly): "With..."

Operator: "I'm sorry, it's racist. May I suggest the original B.J. Thomas release, instead?"

Man: "Thanks, I'll check it out."

Operator: "Have a Woke day!"

(I needed something like this when I was a young idiot.)

Starcrash is a 1978 film showing what the Italian cinema industry does best: Ripping off American box office smashes with a quick ripoff that has a quarter of the budget. Jonah and the bots have a fine time with this one, especially with the character "Aktor" a space pirate with unexplained on-demand superpowers, a smug attitude, and a frightening resemblance to William Katt, the star of "The Greatest American Hero". Which led me to committing filk again...

"Starcrash Theme" (music: "Believe it or Not")

Look at what's happened to me-e,
I couldn't believe it myself.
My agent signed the contract unseen
Wish it were somebody else!

CHORUS

Believe it or not, I'm not William Katt
He's got far too much digni-ty-y-y
Wish I could run, from this dog a film
Who could it be?
It's not William Katt, it's just me.

It's an Italian Star Wars clone,
With none of the budget or skill
I'm playing a smug, stuck-up Obi-Wan
With a curly blond perm that could kill.

CHORUS

I'm co-stars with a robot from Tex-as,
And Caroline Munro's massive chest
Hasslehoff's got top billing on screen
For just the fifteen minutes he's seen!

CHORUS

Crossposts: http://jeriendhal.livejournal.com/1295226.html

I've been meaning to update the song Melanie sings in CotRV to something more fitting with Foxen mythology. I'm probably going to go with this.

***

The snow is Cold and biting, the Darkness black and deep.
Your footsteps grow heavy, your wounds slowly seep.
Fear drives you forward, shelter you do seek.
For there you can rest, and finally dare to sleep.

The Mother's fire guides you, if you could only see.
In Her arms she'll warm you, in fields of green.

They say the snow is endless, the sky void of stars.
The bodies of the unseeing, frozen on the ground.
You trip and stumble o'er them, no shelter to be seen.
Your chain of sin drags in the snow, you've long since lost the key.

The Mother's fire guides you, if you could only see.
In Her arms she'll warm you, in fields of green.

The smoke scent fills you nose, the spark can just be seen.
Your foot pads quicken in the snow, the pain now just a dream.
The Mother gathers you in Her embrace, and carries you like a child.
The chain falls away from your leg, your sins now reconciled.

The Mother's fire guided you, because you could still see.
Close your eyes so you may rest, in Her fields of green

Music: Acoustic blues guitar

A long time ago,
In 2009
I went to Kindle Direct
Out to make a few dimes.
I wrote up a story
To make a lotta cash.
But without a decent cover all the readers gave it a pass.

CHORUS
Oh, yeah
Didn’t have a clue what to do.
Yeah I had a real bad case,
Of No Cover Art Blues.

Then one day,
I went begging to a friend.
A pretty Aussie momma,
Real good with a coloring pen.
I said, “I need a beautiful mage,”
“And her pretty elfboi friend.”
“But I’m telling right now I ain’t got much spend.”

CHORUS

She said, “I’ll draw ya cover,”
“Cuz I like your stories a bunch.”
“But I gotta tell ya, I can only do it once.”
It’s a pretty picture, she didn’t take a chance.
Cuz she knows the lady readers love an elf in tight pants!

CHORUS

I wrote more stories
With dragons, furries and ghostly shuttles.
But every time, the covers were just a muddle.
I needed artists, ones that were fast and cheap.
But when I told ‘em my budget, they looked at me like I was a freak.

SPOKEN: “Hey baby, think of the exposure! Hey, where ya going?!”

CHORUS

The years have gone by,
Cover artists have come and gone.
Found some friends who did me favors,
But the deals didn’t last too long.
They were just too good,
To stay in my price range
They said, “Hey Royce, we really love you, but we’ve got bills to pay.”

CHORUS

I got my latest book done
Art’s still my pain
Gonna ‘shop an image,
Found in Public Domain.
It looks like crap, the font is so lame.
But hey at least it’s still better,
Than the covers published by Baen!

Spoken: “A guy’s gotta have standards!”

CHORUS

Summary: Arriving on Earth to deploy a virus to kill on the inhabitants and ready it for colonization, General Bill Trius of the planet Hondo immediately gives up his mission upon discovering the concept of music. Eight years later he’s happily married with a daughter, and practicing folk music on the side, when a Hondoian assassin finally shows up to kill Trius and finish the job. Fortunately Kevin, the assassin in question, is 1) Not very good at his job, and 2) Just as susceptible to the Power of Music as Trius was. Together they form up a folk music duo, and cleverly disguising themselves as folk musicians only pretending to be aliens, bring music and happiness to the world (or at least certain neighborhoods on Long Island).

Too bad Planet Hondo still wants to destroy the Earth. Will General Trius and Kevin be able to stop the next assassin? Will Kevin realize trying to date the cop attempting to arrest him won’t end well? Will Trius’s marriage survive Kevin’s antics?

Review: Well, yes, since the point of the movie is to provide a showcase for Nils d'Aulaire (General Trius) and Jay Klaitz’s (The Mighty Kevin) real life folk music comedy duo “Future Folk”. The plot tends to be somewhat, er, intermittent, as it’s placed between musical numbers the pair play. Nevertheless despite being musicians first and actors second, both of them carry themselves well, with Klaitz proving very adept in his role as a bumbling assassin with a crush on a female police officer. [1] D’Aulaire is more the straight man, but he manages to put some real acting chops on display, particularly in a scene where the plot has put a strain on his marriage, and he explains very gently to his daughter that even though Mommy and Daddy might be angry with each other right now, they would never be angry with her, and nothing that’s happening is her fault at all.

In general is it weren’t for single fist fight (between Trius and a Guy In A Rubber Suit) and some mild swear words, this would be a PG comedy. As it is, it’s mostly lighthearted, and a chance to hear some good banjo pickin’.

[1] Which I’ll admit slides into Stalker With a Crush territory when Kevin uses a stun rifle to paralyze her in her house so he can sing a love song in Spanish to her. Admittedly it’s played for comedy, he’s otherwise utterly non-threatening, and her upset about the whole situation never rises above “mild irritation”, but it’s a bit creepy and potentially triggery.

Recommended.

Available on Region One DVD and Netflix.

With apologies to

filkertom. :)

I Wanna Be Hamill's Joker

Music: I Wanna Be Peter Lorre (copyright Tom Smith)

What makes me so down, are the villains that I see.
I can't do much for them, not doing very much for me.
I find too many flaws, with Dexter, Lecter and Jigsaw.
Monsters, killers, and zombie hordes, looking at them just make me bored.

Cesar Romero was too silly, Heath Ledger way too bleak.
Jack Nicholson was so snarky I could punch him in the cheek.
No, I was quite surprised, by Luke Skywalker's other guise.
His wit and style caught my attention
[as Joker] And never failed to bring Bats avengin'!

( I blame mainlining Arkham Knight for four hours straight )

...would Tom Smith worry about stepping on my musical toes? O_o

Context: Tom came up with his own (much superior) version of the Sad Puppies song and posted to FB. And then offered to stop working on it when he realized I came up with mine first.

I'd sooner tell Weird Al to stop singing Eat It because I'm getting tired of food related songs.... ;p

The entirety of my commentary on this situation.

* * *

Music: Dead Puppies, Dr. Demento

Dead Puppies

Sad puppies

Sad puppies

Sad puppies aren't much fun.

They whine “foul” when,

They don't win

Sad puppies aren't much fun.

The Hugo noms

They packed the votes.

And don't understand,

Why they're choads.

Sad puppies aren't much fun.

Sad puppies

Sad puppies

Sad puppies aren't much fun.

“One more time for Jerry Pournelle!”

Saaaaaaad puppies aren't much fuuuuuuuun.

So is this song/video supposed to be funny, ironic, post-ironic, really #$%&ing annoying, or just proof that furries rank lower on the Geek Hierarchy that Star Trek/Twilight crossover self-inset fanfics?